Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 7–13, 2014

Week of March 7–13, 2014 
Riders this past week: 7,000
Rider miles this past week: 81,412

NOTE
This is the first time ever that an exact number of thousands of people rode the subway, not one more or one less.

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Old Man McGumbus of Shelter Island and Derwood Hodgegrass of Southampton were seen traveling on the subway between Sag Harbor and Noyac, holding hands.

NUCLEAR WEAPONS
There are hundreds of unused underground warehouses and storage rooms accessible from the various tunnels along the system. All were part of the original subway layout as built in 1931 by Ivan Kratz, who the next year went bankrupt. Many of these storage rooms have never been opened, but we are looking into them as time goes by. One particular room between Water Mill and Bridgehampton was unlocked last Tuesday and found to contain what seems to be nuclear-tipped missiles. There are 86, and they lie on their sides in open-sided wooden crates. Does anyone know anything about them? Each missile has wording stenciled on it that reads, “Best When Used by Mar 1968,” except for two with the wording “Best When Used by Apr 1971.”

WEDDING RINGS
Last Thursday, the workmen doing maintenance when the subway is closed from 2– 6 a.m. found five wedding rings thrown onto the tracks in one particular spot between Montauk and Napeague. Because they glint, we occasionally do find a wedding ring on the tracks. It is of course passion raging out of control—they are often from the night before because the workmen broom the tracks nightly—but this is very unusual. The rings were brought to the Hampton Subway building in Hampton Bays at 9 a.m. Friday. We have begun an investigation. Their location—they appeared on the eastbound track, so we assume they were thrown from a westbound train—means it is possible they came from a late-night wedding reception at Gurney’s Inn, since they often have such things. Three of the rings are engraved. One says “J.B.D.,” the other says “Bob & Sue Forever.” Anyone knowing anything about this, whether it was a women’s group decision or from some sort of cult or whatever, please contact Detective Sam Spade, who can be reached through our office.

EARLY ELECTIONS
Elections to re-elect our beloved Commissioner are usually held every two years, but this week, just three months since he was re-elected against company barber Guiseppi Alonzo in a sweeping landslide, he is being called to defend his office. A member of the Board of Directors has determined from the bi-laws that it is possible for a board member to call elections whenever he thinks there has been malfeasance or inappropriate behavior. Henry Watson McHarrison, a loyal supporter of our Commissioner for 12 years, has, surprisingly, called such an election. He says there is both malfeasance and inappropriate behavior, he can prove it and he’s had enough. Mr. McHarrison has been removed from the board and thanked for his service, but the bylaws say the election has to go ahead anyway, so look for the usual voting booths set up on the platforms next Friday. Please go vote for the Commissioner.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
It’s party time! Janet Metropolous is 29. Dancing in the cafeteria. 3 p.m. Friday. Everybody come.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I intend to crush my former so-called friend Henry like a pea.

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