Hamptons Police Blotter: Deer Harpoon, Sag Harbor Traffic, McGumbus

Deer Harpooning Plan Draws Protest
A protest in Sag Harbor had to be broken up by police late Tuesday when irate demonstrators refused to disperse on their own. The flap was sparked by a new proposal to cull the local deer population by luring the animals into Peconic Bay using bait and then sending teams of specially trained agents to spear them with harpoons. This new method for dealing with the overpopulation of deer was devised by a group of local whaling enthusiasts, sponsored by Al’s Harpoon and Boat (AHAB), who claim that their plan will not only thin the deer herd but also perpetuate “the ancient and venerable skill of harpooning dangerous animals in open waters.” Of course, there’s quite a difference between trying to harpoon a vicious, maddened whale and harpooning a sodden, paddling deer—a difference that the protestors were at pains to point out. Meanwhile, village officials are considering the harpooning proposal and will announce a decision on the plan shortly.

Sag Harbor Calming Clamor
Sag Harbor Village officials were forced to call for help when they found themselves besieged on Thursday by angry villagers. The fury was prompted when word was leaked that the officials were considering a traffic-calming proposal put forward by the group Solve Sag Harbor. Solve Sag Harbor’s plan, a copy of which was obtained by the Blotter, begins by observing that the quaint village streets in Sag Harbor, while picturesque, are very difficult and aggravating to navigate at all times of the year, and worse in the busy summer season. It additionally notes that the street plan of the village is “irrational and convoluted.” To “solve” this problem, Solve Sag Harbor recommends a wholesale clearance of existing structures in the village and replacing narrow, winding village streets with “wide, car-friendly avenues” based on a grid plan. After Thursday’s near-storming of their offices, officials assured the public that “Solve Sag Harbor’s proposal is just one of many” that they are considering.

Checking Into the Clinic
Alerted by numerous residents of a Torontonian who was making a lot of noise and walking the streets near the North Ferry at night, and was overheard saying, “The goal of my treatments is to be able to think more clearly when I’m drunk, and that requires nightly drinking,” Shelter Island officials followed up on a tip that Old Man McGumbus, 104-year-old WWII veteran and CIA truth-serum research specialist, had established an unlicensed drug-rehab center in his home. But investigators discovered that  Mr. McGumbus had “started his Memorial Day weekend vacation early,” according to a neighbor. Officials have stated they will keep his premises under watch.

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