Hampton Subway Newsletter: Week of June 13–19, 2014

Week of June 13–19, 2014
Riders this past week: 12,812
Rider miles this past week: 141,111

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Paul Brennan, the beloved real estate executive at Douglas Elliman, was seen on the subway heading from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor on Wednesday afternoon holding a glass bowl with some engraving on it bearing his name. Gwyneth Paltrow was seen boarding an eastbound subway car at the Southampton station Friday.

LIGHTNING BOLT UPGRADE
After months of research, Hampton Subway can confirm that painting an orange lightning bolt on the side of a subway car speeds up the service. It’s an astonishing thing and we don’t know why this works. But without the lightning bolts the trains go around the system at a steady 38 miles an hour. With them, they go around the system at 44 miles an hour with no ill effects on service other than there are fewer waits between trains, which is a good thing. The first lightning bolt was put on a train by one of our mechanics in the Montauk Yards after he heard that it had sped up service on the subway trains in Montreal. We’re told the New York Subway System wants more information about how this works.

TROUBLE ON NON-SURVEILLANCE CARS
Another pocket was picked on the non-surveillance car last Thursday. The non-surveillance car is on every subway, the third car from the back, put there at the request of riders who objected to our policy of having surveillance cameras on every car, by demonstrating on the Southampton platform that they had rights not to be surveilled without their permission. This is the third pick-pocketing reported since the cameras were removed on this car over Memorial Day Weekend. There was also a reported streaker on the car on June 3 at 8:43 p.m. Hampton Subway is now considering what to do next, since there has been a lack of crime on any cars since the cameras were put up last October.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RODNEY M.
Rodney M turns 42 next Thursday and everyone in the company is invited to share his birthday with him in the company cafeteria when he cuts the cake at 1 p.m. tomorrow. Rodney M is head of our Subway Police Division. He does not use his last name because he has a second job at night, working as a spy for the CIA, and they don’t allow people to broadcast their full identities, although many of his friends at this company of course know what his last name really is, which is Mitchell.

JUNE 28 IS HAMPTON SUBWAY DAY
Hampton Subway holds a fundraiser on June 28. On that day this year, riders will have to swipe their subway cards twice in the turnstiles in order to get through, with the result that their rides will be costing them $4.50 instead of $2.25. Last year more than $40,000 was raised for the subway, almost enough to cover the mandated annual raises by our unionized employees. If you do not care to participate in this once-a-year Hamptons Subway fundraiser on that day, do not ride the subway but go about your business using alternate means of transportation.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
A well known celebrity who I cannot name at this time has asked to rent the entire Hampton Subway system for July 4th weekend. This would close Hampton Subway for those four days, but the income from this rental would be so substantial for Hampton Subway that it would allow us to make many needed improvements to our service that we have until now put off. We ask that straphangers let us know what they think by email before the end of the day, because we have to decide.

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