Hamptons Police Blotter: Giant Sculpture, Meat Gum, Banana Hammock

Monumental Crime
Police have become concerned with a sudden uptick in the number of monumental sculptures being erected, without warning, in East End locations. Police investigator Stanley Towers, speaking at a news conference, explained. “First there was the legs in Sag Harbor, then there was the 30-foot-tall woman in Westhampton, and now our investigation has revealed a surprising number of problematic new monuments across the East End.” He noted the presence of a large duck sculpture off the side of the road in Flanders, which he said could distract motorists. Towers also expressed concern about a windmill sculpture in Sag Harbor, which he pointed out wasn’t a real windmill but could fool people into thinking it was—“it’s a fraud, plain and simple” he said. Finally, he announced his new discovery of “a very tall, narrow object with a huge light on top” that he said had been erected, in plain sight, east of Montauk village. Police suspect foul play, Towers concluded, and investigations are ongoing.

Pop-Up Shutdown
Health authorities moved quickly Thursday to shut down Gumb, Old Man McGumbus’s newly opened pop-up store on Jobs Lane in Southampton. The authorities allege that McGumbus, 104-year-old WWII vet and holder of a patent for something called “24-hour-lasting chewable animal product,” had been selling uninspected, unapproved meat products in the store. A surprise visit from health authorities on Thursday morning found that, in addition to the expected quantities of exotic dried meats and jerkies on offer, the shelves of Gumb were stocked with something called “Old Man McGumbus’s Old-Fashioned Meat Gum,” available in beef, lamb and something called “trapper’s choice.” These gums, which were packaged in hand-labeled brown paper bags that authorities said were dripping with grease and drawing the attention of flies, were of unclear origin and were unaccompanied by any ingredients lists. When contacted for comment, McGumbus was defiant: “What has this country come to when a man can’t boil critter parts down to a resin and sell it off as chewing gum?”

Protected Garment
A man was stopped and questioned in Sag Harbor Village on Sunday for walking slowly up and down Main Street while wearing just a bathing suit—a bathing suit of the type commonly called a “banana hammock.” When it was requested of the man that he put on more proper attire, the man countered that he was a member of a group called Skeev Sag Harbor, and that it was part of his group’s mission to “skeev people out in Sag Harbor.” Police concluded that the man’s demonstration was protected speech, or some such thing, and let him be.

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