Hamptons Police Blotter: Havens Beach Protest, McGumbus, Implant Fail

New Lows at Havens Beach
A group of citizens had been raising concerns that, ever since the remediation project that ended the direct emptying of street runoff into the water off Havens Beach, concentrations of noxious substances and animal wastes in the water have been unacceptably low. This past week, members of a group calling itself Sag Harbor Is Toxins (abbreviation unavailable) took matters into their own hands, staging a demonstration at the beach during which they brought a large number of pet dogs (one observer counted 200) to the beach at the same time to “help return Havens Beach to its former, wastewater grandeur.” Police were called to the beach to try to restore order, and they arrested several defiant protesters. The dogs were let go with a warning.

Pop-up Store Brings Unruly Crowds
The much publicized opening of a new pop-up store on Jobs Lane, and the heavily circulated rumors concerning the imminent arrival of the store’s famed owners, led to near riot conditions in Southampton on Wednesday. Crowds lined Jobs Lane, pushing and shoving for a chance to get a view, occasionally spilling out into traffic—traffic that had slowed to a crawl with gawkers leaning out car windows and paparazzi dashing from one side of the street to the other. Police were unable to get a complete handle on the situation, but managed to cordon off the area so that the rest of the village was less affected. Finally, at 3:25 p.m., the big moment came: Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and Shelter Island jerky magnate, arrived with his ex-wife Suzy McBisquick. The two appeared to bask in the glow of public admiration, and favored their legions of fans with an impromptu twerk before distributing free samples of their merchandise through the means of McGumbus’s signature “jerky cannon,” a kind of catapult that sends large quantities of dried meats into the sky that rain down across a wide area.

Implant Emergency
Emergency personnel were summoned to a celebrity family’s summer rental in North Sea on Saturday to attend to a woman who had suffered a plastic surgery mishap. It seems that a certain part of her anatomy, which had been significantly enhanced through surgical means, had suddenly become unable to support its own weight and was dragging on the ground, making it difficult for the woman to stand or walk. Medical technicians determined that the woman would need a specialist’s care, but in the meantime they jerry-rigged a kind of basket with wheels to prevent the failed portion of the woman from “bottoming out.” The woman’s lawyers are determining what remedy they might seek from the plastic surgeon who performed the faulty operation.

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