Hamptons Police Blotter: Sag Harbor Gridlock, Hipster Trap, Radar Love

Sag Harbor Gridlock Crisis
Those calling to introduce traffic calming measures in Sag Harbor saw proof of the village’s urgent situation over Memorial Day weekend. According to officials, a traffic snarl that began in a village parking lot on midday Friday got “out of control,” and traffic officers were unable to clear things up until late Sunday afternoon. It seems that the problem began when two motorists tried to grab the last parking spot in the lot at the same time, and neither was willing to back down. Numerous unsuspecting motorists then pulled into the parking lot behind the two vehicles and were effectively hemmed in. The situation then apparently snowballed until all village streets were gridlocked, and was made worse late Friday when cars trapped in the jam began running out of gas. Starting late Saturday, officials became concerned the roads would not be cleared in time for the Memorial Day parade on Monday, but a massive crane saved the day by lifting stalled cars from the clogged streets and dropping them into the water off Long Wharf.

Hipster Caught In McGumbus Trap
Dylan Fisk, a 21-year-old college student visiting the Hamptons from Brooklyn, claims he fell victim to a trap set by Shelter Island’s irascible hipster hater Old Man McGumbus over Memorial Day weekend. McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran, had issued a warning for all “hipster-type people” to avoid Shelter Island over the holiday weekend or “suffer the consequences,” but had then inexplicably proceeded to distribute handbills for a fictitious event aimed at drawing large numbers of hipsters to Shelter Island. The handbills claimed that the hipster-fave band Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros would be giving a free concert on Shelter Island, and that there would be free cans of PBR beer for every man with a 5-inch beard. Fisk was apparently the only one to fall for the trap, and he alleges that not only was there no concert, but that before he realized he’d been tricked, he’d consumed enough beer to pass out. When he awoke, his beard was gone. Police are investigating.

Playlist Policing
Citing the well-documented fact that a large number of people pulled over for speeding in the Hamptons have been found to be listening to the song “Radar Love,” police have issued a plea to local radio stations to refrain from playing the song, and are appealing to the public to remove “Radar Love” from their iTunes playlists. Police will carefully monitor the effect on speeding in the coming weeks.

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