Hamptons Police Blotter: Wild Turkey Attack, Sag Harbor Traffic, McGumbus Pop-Up

Almost Gobbled
Police were called to the aid of a Bridgehampton bicyclist on Friday afternoon. The man, dressed in the fluorescent garb typical of cyclists, was pedaling south on Ocean Avenue when he was approached by a maddened wild turkey. The bird, whose size suggested a large appetite and whose demeanor suggested a special taste for cyclists, apparently so startled the man that he lost control of his bicycle. He threw the bike to the pavement and tried to ward off the turkey with a stick he found on the side of the road, but the turkey, displaying unexpected speed and agility, disarmed the man and continued to advance. A passing motorist alerted police, who arrived to find the cyclist about to be gored by the turkey. Using a tranquilizer gun, police subdued the turkey. The police, who theorize that the turkey mistook the colorfully dressed man for an intruding enemy bird, have issued an alert asking area cyclists to “exercise more restraint in their color choices for riding, or risk getting pecked to death by vicious wild turkeys.”

Size Matters in Sag Harbor
Members of an organization calling itself Sieve Sag Harbor tried to unilaterally apply a new remedy for Sag Harbor’s traffic woes, but instead wound up creating a traffic nightmare for thousands—and a legal nightmare for themselves. Thursday night, under cover of darkness, the group set up checkpoints along every major access road into Sag Harbor. As Friday dawned, Sieve Sag Harbor members began stopping cars as they approached the village, turning away vehicles that exceeded an arbitrarily chosen size limit. According to Sieve Sag Harbor spokesman Jake Colander, they hoped to “reduce both the size and number of cars in the village by ‘sieving’ the vehicles as they passed the checkpoints.” Unfortunately, the large number of vehicles held back at the Sieve Sag Harbor checkpoints were forced to make U-turns, creating gridlock, and the police were not happy with the organization’s unlawful interference with traffic flow. Charges are pending.

McGumbus Pop-Out Pop-Up
Old Man McGumbus, 104-year-old WWII veteran and fashion icon, announced the location of his new pop-up store. Situated on Jobs Lane in Southampton, McGumbus’s “Pop-out Pop-up” is likely to generate controversy among area businesses and scrutiny from local law enforcement. The idea is simple: McGumbus, or a member of his staff will, for a small fee, “pop-out” on an unsuspecting pedestrian in an attempt to startle them. Customers can specify a particular pedestrian, or just pay for a random “pop-out.” Police, contacted for comment about the business model, said that they were looking into it and planned to monitor the situation “very closely.”

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