Hamptons Police Blotter: Filming Filmers, McGumbus Jerky, Mellowness

Reality Check
Area police are consulting with particle physicists and game theorists to try to get to the bottom of a mysterious mass disappearance that took place at Indian Wells Beach in Amagansett. Last Tuesday, while a pair of celebrity siblings, camera crew in tow, were filming a reality TV show at Indian Wells, another camera crew arrived and apparently began filming the filming of the reality TV show. Soon, another camera crew arrived to film the filming of the filming of the reality TV show. A fourth camera crew then pulled up, and soon were filming the filming of the filming of the filming of the reality TV show. When a fifth camera crew showed up, and began filming the whole phenomenon of the multiple layers of filming, witnesses report that the entire entourage of camera crews, celebrities and TV directors abruptly vanished, equipment and all, leaving no trace. Police, basing their investigations on the theoretical work of Albert Einstein, believe that the high levels of abstraction achieved by the camera crews became insupportable on our plane of existence and that the missing persons may have been turned into dark matter. Stephen Hawking has been summoned.

Shelter Island Jerky Party
Police have arrested three Shelter Islanders and charged them with criminal trespass and destruction of merchandise. Last Wednesday, three men, who investigators believe were accompanied by others still at large, boarded a boat under cover of darkness. The boat, owned by Shelter Island’s Old Man McGumbus and docked in Coecles Harbor, was heavily laden with fresh supplies of jerky intended for distribution on the Island. Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and dried-meat aficionado, has long held a monopoly on the supply and sale of jerky on Shelter Island—a fact that many Shelter Islanders feel has led to unfair prices. Police say the three men and their accomplices took the boxes of jerky on the boat and heaved them into the water while emitting war cries and disturbing the peace. They are urging anyone with knowledge of these events to come forward.

Excessive Mellowness in Riverhead
In late-breaking news, police stopped large numbers of people leaving The Lovin’ Spoonful concert at Suffolk Theater for violating codes prohibiting “flagrant displays of mellowness.” Police noted that concertgoers wore big smiles, looked “really relaxed,” and were humming songs like “Do You Believe in Magic”—sure signs that mellowness had reached excessive levels. Due to the sheer numbers of suspects involved, however, police were forced to let the violators go with a warning.

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