| Issue #1 - March 30, 2007 |
Twentysomething…By David Lion Rattiner
Awkward Dog Moment
After being given the incredible responsibility for the past three weeks of taking care of the family dog, “Moo,” we have developed quite a bond. Moo has been counting on me lately for food and attention. When I see him, he freaks out and races around the house, either out of love or because he knows that, if he charms me, his chances of getting more food, dinner table scraps or, “the good stuff,” increases. It’s all the same to me.
Moo and I hung out the other day, watching television. I cruised by the Discovery Channel, only to find myself gaining interest in a show called “The Dog Whisperer,” hosted by this weird, quirky guy who can teach annoying dogs to be good dogs. Moo’s head turned — a poodle was on the screen. I let him enjoy some dog porn.
I felt proud of him. “You dog, you,” I said, and patted him on the head.
He acknowledged me and barked. I slapped him on the head again and he barked again and then I semi-wrestled with him for about fifteen seconds or so and plopped back on the couch.
Moo deserves to get some action with a poodle, I thought. How could I arrange that?
I found myself seriously thinking about neighborhood dogs that I thought Moo might be interested in throwing a bone to. “Hmm, there is this giant white dog down the street that looks like some kind of dog supermodel,” I thought to myself. “I wonder if we could arrange a meeting?” Maybe Moo should get a bath before we even try this. Well this sucks, now I have to give Moo a bath. “Wait a second,” I thought, “maybe dogs are not like people and are attracted to each other more if they are dirty.” I liked this line of thinking. Better not wash Moo.
Needless to say, Moo, like most other male dogs, has been relieved of his manhood, so to speak. And after thinking about it for a while, dogs are most likely not like people and don’t hop in the sack for the fun of it, but primarily because of an instinct to procreate. That’s my thinking on the subject anyway, although one can never be sure.
I kept the TV on “The Dog Whisperer” just in case, and fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon. It’s what man and dog do when they are in front of the television.
When I woke up, Moo had gone someplace else and I was feeling like I needed to shower and actually go outside of the house. After all, it was three o’clock in the afternoon. It was about time to get the day going.
I showered up and, with just a towel on, walked out of the bathroom, then through the living room and into my room, only to discover Moo in my room. He was awake and had noticed me when I walked in.
I don’t think that at any time in my life I’ve stood naked in front of a dog. I had to shower at the boathouse in college when I was on the crew team, which I still can’t believe is considered normal. But whatever, the birthday suit is no big deal right?
Wrong.
“Get the hell out of here, Moo, I’m changing.”
No movement from Moo, he usually knows when I tell him to leave, but almost always it’s because he needs to go from outdoors to indoors, or the other way around. Leaving a room is kind of unfamiliar to him.
I didn’t want to shoo him out because I just showered and didn’t want to get any dog hair on me and so I was faced with the decision to either change in front of the dog or move to another room.
“Get out, Moo. Seriously, out.”
He stood confused. “I know that you’re not saying, ‘sit.’” He thought to me, “What are you saying? If you would like to leave, just shoo me out of here. You know I don’t speak English. Give me some direction!”
“Out… Out,” I kept repeating and pointing.
No movement whatsoever. I stood silent for one minute, picked out some clothes from the dresser and changed in the bathroom.
David Lion Rattiner grew up in East Hampton. He is the managing editor of The Montauk Pioneer, the owner of www.datehampton.com, and is also an actor in local theater. You can reach him at david@danspapers.com
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