?Not by the Hair on My . . . Head?

??I have learned the hard way that it is never a good idea to publicly announce one’s intention of getting a haircut. Hair is a funny, fickle thing, with pieces sometimes darting out wildly that you must attempt to bring order to with the hopes of looking good and the fear of looking worse. And I began with The Blob. The Blob was the hair that sat on my head lifelessly before this past Wednesday. The Blob is a hair style that is long and untamed, allowing for it to be casually flicked aside with one’s hand. Younger people tend to like The Blob, while parents tend to hate it. Today’s Blob was made popular by Julian Casablancas of The Strokes. Bonus points if The Blob is greasy.
But I let my Blob fall to a white tiled floor and be swept up and thrown out by a barber’s young intern. The Blob had its pitfalls – for me, it was the constant insecurity of knowing that there was a mess of hair behind my head that I could not see – not even in a mirror! Thinking of the tangled hirsute mess on the back of my head and neck, I was no longer able to live with The Blob.
Unfortunately, now I have The Hat. The Hat is what happens when you tell your haircutter “not that short” and he or she has a different definition of “short” than you do. The Hat comes about when somebody takes a razor on level 4 to the The Blob. It is quite short – deeply buzzed sides, thin, square top, and no sideburns or facial hair. Its tidiness makes it almost the anti-Blob. However, beware: The Blob tends to make eyes look dark and faces tired and shadowed. Some may not like this look, but when they get it cut, there will be a sudden re-emerging of their features.
“What? My forehead is that big? And is that a blackhead?” comes to mind. Cutting The Blob short will take your face out of the shadows, but the change may be too abrupt for you to stomach, leading you to wear a hat that will once again shadow your face and cover your uncomfortably short hair.
When your hair begins to grow out after your too-short haircut, it may be time to spice things up with a Faux Hawk. A FauxHawk is like a Mohawk except for people who would never actually get a Mohawk. A FauxHawk can be accomplished by simply putting a lot of gel on your medium-length hair and using your hands and fingers to point the hair in the center of your head upwards, forming a vertical line or a wave. FauxHawks were really popular for the younger set at the turn of the century, since they were bold without being scary. It is never too late for one to spend a few days with a FauxHawk though.
For the truly hip set, the new trend is to go T-Bird style. Wait until your hair has grown out some and then gel it all back, like Danny in Grease and other fictional or actual men from the late 50s. This look is great, albeit kind of ridiculous. Few can pull it off, but those that can are greatly rewarded by some coy, pleased glances in the mirror and some extra attention.
For guys who want stylish hair in a more conventional look, there are “parts.” Many men part down the middle, splitting their hair evenly and letting it fall gently on both sides. Then there is the front flip, when you gel your hair to form a wall in the front and leave the rest alone. I don’t really recommend this because it reminds me of middle school. For a clean, good look, I recommend the side flip. To create the side flip, take a tiny bit of gel and push your hair off to either the right or the left side. Then run your hands through your hair, mess it up a little bit, and call it a good hair day. If you insist on going with a more business approach, then, of course, part your hair on the left side and let the rest fall horizontally across your head.
If you are lucky enough to have curly hair, then let it grow. Curly hair in a Blob never looks bad or weird like straight hair can. However, if you cut curly hair too short, you may end up looking like Corey Matthews in his high school days.
Getting your hair cut can be quite daunting. But it is definitely necessary, or else your short hair cut becomes The Blob which becomes a really long mess of hair on your head. Get it cut! However, make sure you repeat: not too short!
–Mike Vilensky