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| Issue #24, September 8, 2006 |
Police Blotter
Stolen Cash
$3,500 in cash was stolen from a New York City man’s locked glove compartment in his BMW when he gave his keys to a valet parking attendant at a party in Amagansett. He noticed that the money was missing from his car two days after the party. The man later noticed that nearly $12,000 had been taken from his sock drawer in his East Hampton home. He noticed that the money had been taken three days after the cleaning lady did his laundry. He later noticed $4,000 was missing from underneath his mattress the next morning after sleeping with his mistress. The man now knows that he has to keep his money where it is safe, buried in the back yard next to his hot tub.
* * *
Soccer Brawl
Police had to respond to a field-wide brawl that was triggered at an East Hampton soccer game after a referee gave a player a penalty. When the brawl was over, everybody walked off of the field battered and bruised and went out for drinks at a local bar. It was there that a huge bar fight broke out after a bad call was made during a competitive game of beer pong.
* * *
Secret Tenant
A woman in East Hampton called police after she noticed that some of her food was missing from her refrigerator and that some soap located in her shower appeared to have been used by somebody other then she. Police believe that Cosmo Kramer, the woman’s nextdoor neighbor, is simply taking advantage of the woman’s open door policy to her home.
* * *
Bad Smell
A woman called police after she smelled something unusual outside of her East Hampton home. When police arrived, they investigated the stink, but could not find any signs of dead animals that may have been causing the smell. They did, however, find a big pile of $%&#.
* * *
Stupid Driver
A woman was driving down Main Street in East Hampton near a police officer and got a little to close for comfort. She struck the police officer in the leg with her side-view mirror and then continued to drive away, apparently unaware that she had just hit a police officer. After being hit in the leg with the side view mirror, the police officers foot was run over by another woman driving an SUV. This was not a good day to be a gumshoe in the Village of East Hampton.
* * *
Hot Mattress
A man in Montauk was smoking a cigarette in his room and then left the lit cigarette unattended on the mattress. While the man was out of the room the mattress caught fire. Thankfully the room’s sprinkler systems were able to put out the fire before it caused any serious damage to the building. The man no longer has any fire in the bedroom.
* * *
Fishing Lures
A man in Montauk reported to police that $20 worth of fishing lures were taken out of his bag while he was at the beach. Okay, taking a wallet is one thing, taking a car is another, but fishing lures? That son-of-a-bitch. That’s breaking every Montauk code in the book. You just don’t take a mans fishing lures.
* * *
Hang Ups
A woman in Sag Harbor reported to police that she had 29 hang ups on her cell phone during a period of less then two hours. Police advised the woman to stop giving her number out to creepy guys.
* * *
Not So Radical
A man attached his surfboard to the top of his car in Sagaponak and started to drive off. As he was driving the board fell off of the car because it was not secured properly. When the man went back to retrieve the board, it was gone. Most likely it was taken by a somebody that is surfs.
That’s a major bummer.
–Written and Compiled by David Lion Rattiner
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