| Issue #31, October 27, 2006 |
Twentysomething…By David Lion Rattiner
The iJohn and Casinos
I was sitting down on my couch in my little shack out in Montauk when it hit me where a completely true and pure source of happiness could be. I’m talking about Play Station 3, NFL Madden 2007, the iJoy Massage Chair from the Sharper Image, and a 60-inch flat screen television. It was a vision I could not ignore. I’d get the iJoy in black and spend all of my free time sitting on the most amazing chair that has ever graced planet earth. Even if I ruled the world and had billions of dollars, this would be my chair of choice. Have you ever sat in one? If you have, you know what I am talking about. It is ridiculous.
When I had this vision of the future for my life, I realized that maybe this could be too much of a good thing. But then I thought, no David, not only is this a good dream, it could even be better.
And so I brainstormed further and I came up with something better. Impossible you say? Well, what if I told you that I want all of this hooked up in the bathroom? Yes, my friends, I am suggesting the outrageous. I am suggesting an Ijohn, with a jet flush, and dare I say it, an optional bidet feature.
Maybe I have gone too far, but I would just once like to go to somebody’s house that actually has a massage chair instead of having to walk into a Sharper Image outlet when I need a massage chair fix. Then I won’t need to while desperately try avoiding eye contact with a sales person.
And so my iJohn dream lives, unfortunately, only in my dreams. Maybe it is better to have it that way, as just a whisper, a perfect idea that floats in the air, that all mankind can appreciate.
Unfortunately, the main thing that is holding me back from this entire project is the fact that it all adds up to about $7,000, which is no joke money. Plus, it would be a lot of work to install the bidet and flush feature into the chair.
Look, when you are in your twenties, nobody expects you to make very much money, and even if that isn’t true, you still have to believe it to avoid becoming completely depressed about your life and to have a decent excuse for not making millions like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton.
Lucky for me, I’m the cheapest human being that you have ever met on the planet. There is a candy machine at the office here at Dan’s Papers. You pop in a quarter and out comes a handful of M&M’s. For 25 cents, this lousy, awful, stupid candy machine gives you like six M&M’s. It’s outrageous, and I refuse to use it. Well, that’s not true, I break down daily and pop in the quarter and turn the knob and before I know it I’ve spent six dollars on forty-two M&M’s. I don’t know why I do it. I guess it reminds me of being a kid. But I remember getting a lot more M&M’s than I get today. Maybe my hands are just bigger. Either way, it is a complete rip off. It is for this reason that I have absolutely no comprehension why so many of my friends these days are excited about gambling. It’s like the new thing. When you graduate college, all of the sudden you want to play poker and visit Las Vegas or Foxwoods and play the slot machines or blackjack. I can’t tell you how many different college friends call me and get it in their heads that this is a good idea. “WE’LL GO GAMBLING THIS WEEKEND IT WILL BE AWESOME.”
I don’t mean to be the guy that doesn’t get it, but from what I can tell, you literally walk into a building, give somebody your money and then walk out of the building, angry and drunk. You can get the same kind of emotions by bringing a bottle whiskey into a movie with Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton in it, for much less money. I don’t know, maybe popping a quarter into the slot machines at Foxwoods makes people feel like a kid again. I bet you the guy that invented candy machines invented slot machines first, just to get kids used to putting quarters into things mindlessly. It’s all one big conspiracy. I’m writing a letter to somebody.
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