| Issue #31, October 27, 2006 |
Police Blotter
Scratched Mercedes
A guy in Amagansett parked his Mercedes Benz in a parking lot and when he returned, he noticed that the top of his car’s hood, as well as his doors and the front and rear sides, were all scratched up. Police are questioning the man’s ex-wife, who the following day had had a $600 manicure.
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Stinky Lady
A woman in East Hampton started opening up bottles of shampoo, conditioner and creams inside of the store, as well as bottles of deodorant. The woman was reportedly wearing blue jeans and an orange shirt, according to the owner of the store, who gave a description of the bottle-opening woman to police. The owner of the store also mentioned to police that the criminal most likely smells absolutely fantastic.
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Verbal Dispute
Police were called after a verbal dispute broke out between two men on Newtown Lane in East Hampton. Witnesses at the scene reported that the argument went something like this, “Your mother is the biggest #$@#@$# @#$ $%@! piece of !##$, who smells like @#$% and looks like a monkey @$$ that #$#% for a living. Go #@$! yourself and your ugly piece of !@#$ dog too!”
Apparently the argument started when one man’s poodle refused to get off of a bench.
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Skate or Die
A woman in Sag Harbor called police after she felt that a group of teenage skateboarders were making too much noise outside of a bank in the village. She was quoted saying, “Hoodlums! They are all a bunch of hoodlums!”
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Pure Idiotness
A guy in Hampton Bays, who does not have a license, got into a car accident in North Haven. He then fled the scene and drove his Range Rover down to the beach in Sag Harbor. While fleeing the scene and driving along the beach, he then proceeded to drive his car into Sag Harbor Cove and became stuck. As the tide came in, his Range Rover was eventually completely immobilized by the soft sand. Police eventually caught up with him and he was charged with fleeing the scene of an accident and driving without a license. Hmmm, I wonder why he doesn’t have a license?
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Plant Thief
Police were called when a resident of Water Mill reported that a 12-inch high cement planter containing purple mums had been taken from the front of her driveway. Police were quoted, saying, “That’s a major mummer.”
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Purple Bicycle
A purple bicycle was stolen from a piece of property in East Hampton. Police are on the lookout for a giant, purple pedal-eater, the brother of the purple people-eater, who has a house in Sagaponack.
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Interesting
A man reported to police that two mountain bikes totaling $1000 and a $500 weed whacker were stolen from the back of his truck in East Hampton. Police are keeping their eyes peeled for a totally sweet go-cart.
–Written and Compiled by David Lion Rattiner
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