Issue #33, November 10, 2006

Transform Your Board

It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. One of many heartbreaking feelings associated with the world of sport is the emotion an athlete feels while assessing a piece of equipment which has just been trashed – whether the slugger who shatters a favorite piece of Louisville lumber, the surfer whose stick smashes against the Ditch Plains rocks, the cyclist gasping in disgust at a tacoed rim, or, as we approach the season of snowsports, the snowboarder thumbing a freshly-cracked edge. The feeling is akin to that of watching helplessly as your glass smoking device (intended solely for tobacco use) totters after a careless friend brushes it on the way to the fridge, and then it falls over sideways and shatters, sending a wave of bilge water splashing across your coffee table and onto the rug.

Such was my heartbreak when, after an exceptionally rough spill – I landed nose-edge first, bending my board to the breaking point and sending my hat and goggles flying comically – I groggily took stock of my board and noticed what looked like a snowcone attached to the front-right edge. I cleaned the snow off, and stuck a gloved-finger into the gaping new gap. At first I didn’t want to believe it, and took off back down the slope – after finding my hat and goggles, of course. My board wouldn’t carve properly anymore and sent me tumbling every time I tried to turn too quickly. When I unstrapped my bindings and stood my board up in front of the lodge, the snowcone at the top looked like it might feed a family of four.

Later, after a much needed après ski session, the guy in the shop in town assessed the damage for me with a lengthy lesson on snowboard construction. He said most snowboard manufacturers use wood for the core of their boards because of the flex and responsiveness it gives. The core is pressed between layers of fiberglass, which determines the stiffness and overall ride. The fiberglass is attached either in a “sandwich” or a “cap” construction. In a “sandwich” construction the top and bottom are pressed together along a hard sidewall and kept perfectly perpendicular. If the laminate separates, a board shop can press the layers back together without much fuss, and the board will behave the same on the mountain as it did before. With a “cap” construction the top laminate is pressed down onto the bottom layer and the edges bend down. Advocates of this style of construction claim that it lends more responsiveness to the board, however, if the laminate comes apart, you might as well throw the board away because it will never be the same.

Guess which way my board was made.

So, I was forced to get a replacement board for the rest of the week but after the trip was over, I faithfully packed my faithful-but-now-broken companion of the past five seasons into the back of my jeep and brought it home after its final ride. The board stared at me, naked without the bindings, and the cracking laminate lent it an air of failed promise. The Silver Surfer-like graphic on top seemed to want bigger things. He had to accept that no longer would he ride any wave of white powder in search of deeper meanings and cosmic truths, but what was next for him? Well, he might ponder the agony of an expanding universe with my derriere squarely planted on his square jaw. It was decided, after careful consideration, that the snowboard would be repurposed as a bench.

Without further ado, here are the basics of turning your thrashed snowboard into a functional, yet oh-so-attractive bench, perfect for the home or office. I went fairly no-frills with just some standard two-by-fours and cut-to-fit pieces of lumber, but feel free to embellish with a coat of paint or varnish. Also, you can find ready-made legs online that you just fit your old snowboard onto, but you’re not a chump are you?

What you’ll need:

(2) 4” x 4” pieces of wood, 20” to 22” should be about right, unless you are freakishly tall

(4) 2” x 4” pieces of wood, half the length of the 4” x 4”, with each end of each piece cut at a 45-degree angle (so they look like parallelograms)

(4) Wood screws, 4” long (self tapping, round top), with matching-sized metal washers, 2 bolts, 8” inches long with one matching hex-nut and two metal washers per bolt drill screwdriver pliers.

Step One. The first thing to do is get a drill bit which is about the same diameter as the bolts. Measure and mark halfway up each 4” x 4”. Drill a hole one inch down from that center mark through the center of both pieces of wood. Drill a hole the same thickness one inch from the angled-edge on all four 2” x 4”s.

Step Two. Next, you will assemble the tee-pee style legs. Line the holes up on the two angled short support legs with the hole in the center of the 4” x 4”. The angled side should be flush against the wood. Slide the bolt though the hole, putting one metal washer on each side and secure with the hex-nut. Repeat for the second leg.

Step Three. Using the screw holes where the bindings were to determine where the center of the board is, draw a one-inch square in the center of the board about eight inches from the nose edge and another the same distance from the tail edge. Using a bit with a slightly smaller diameter than the wood crews, drill a hole on each corner of both squares. You should have eight holes, four on each side; if not, your glass smoking device is still operational and you’ve probably used it recently.

Step Four. Align the holes in the center of the board with the center of the top of each leg assembly. With the metal washers in place on the wood screws, screw all the screws through the holes and down into the wood, fully tighten only after all the screws are in.

Sit. Read the first sentence of this article again. Ponder what “It” is.

–John Capone