| Issue #37, December 8, 2006 |
The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn
Sheltered Islander #427
Sounds of the Season
“WHERE ARE THE DECORATIONS?”
“We had Christmas with your family last year, this year is my family’s turn.”
“Why are toys so expensive? I never got this much!”
“Why should I spend $80 for a toy? They’re just gonna climb in the box and play in that all day.”
“I just can’t send cards to everyone anymore. Between the cards and stamps, sheesh...I’m just gonna send to family and our closest friends.”
“Why do they always put the gorgeous paper that I want next to the blah paper that I can afford?”
“We’ve got to clean this house... and you’re all helping! STOP! Don’t run for that door! Get back here you cowards! Get back in here all of you! George! Get out of the car! You get those kids back in here!”
“Hi Mom, it’s me. The coast is clear. I asked for help cleaning the house, George and the kids disappeared... seventeen seconds... I think it’s a new record. You and Dad can bring over the presents now. I got wrapping and bows. Can you bring tape?”
“No, there is no acceptable Rap version of “White Christmas.” Put down the Bing Crosby record and move away from the stereo…”
“Who erased the Charlie Brown Christmas from the Tivo? It’s not stupid. It’s traditional. That’s right, you watched it when you were two and you’ll watch it again when I’m ready and you’ll like it... Because it puts Mom and me in the Christmas spirit, that’s why. Fifteen is not too old to watch it, neither is fifty. ”
“Brad, since your car can find the liquor store with or without you driving, will you get me some rum on your next trip? Huh? For rum balls and fruitcake. Okay, then get two bottles. No, we’re not going to drink a bottle of Captain Morgan. We’re not playing pirate and slave girl on Christmas Eve. No, I don’t care if you put a bow on it, the answer is no... I know, but that was when we were young and childless. If we do that in front of the fireplace now we’ll scare off the reindeer and your back will be out for a week.”
“Re-gifting is only for those who can keep track of who gave them the gift in the first place, Karen. You don’t want to give somebody the same gift they gave you. Well, think... who would give you a cookbook? ...Of course, Mom. Right, so you can’t give that to her for Christmas. No... I don’t think the black nightgown that Benny gave you would work for Mom. Husbands freak if they see their mother-in-law in sexy nightgowns. Better put her on the list of people who are getting new gifts this year.”
“Joe, tell your brother to stop teaching the kids to stuff mini-marshmellows up their noses. Why? Because he’s YOUR brother! My family doesn’t do that...we should go to my mother’s this year.”
“Because it’s an Island tradition to go to the tree lighting... it’s not lame... when you’re grown, you’ll remember it fondly. Well, there’s a few people who sing in tune, but that’s not the point. The point is that everyone sings. You won’t be embarrassed. Just sing out. The angels will rearrange the notes on the way up. By the time the carol reaches heaven, it’ll be beautiful. Yes. I do have an answer for everything. Now put on your coat and get in the car. You can get a head start on complaining about the cold.”
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