| Issue #38, December 14, 2006 |
What To Do If You Are Expecting the Dude
The stranger arrives first. You open the door and see him, framed by the porch, waiting in the falling snow, flurries collecting on the brim of his cowboy hat. His bushy moustache hangs so far over his mouth that you don’t even see his lips move when he greets you in a voice that’s a low rumbling. “Howdy.” You invite the stranger in, and when you ask him if you can get him anything, he asks if you have a good sarsaparilla. “Much obliged,” he says when you hand him the soda.
You fret that the man himself is running late, but then again the Dude runs on his own schedule. The sounds of Creedence fill the house and the other mingling guests have raised the din. Walter is red-faced, screaming at Jackie Treehorn about how the porn industry has changed, sort of the way that a man is changed after his second tour in ‘Nam. Treehorn shakes his head and walks over to Brandt, who is here representing Mr. Lebowski’s office and accompanying Bunny.
Cradling the phone next to your ear in the kitchen, you dial the Dude. The phone rings twice, then a machine picks up, clicking loudly “The Dude is not in,” then a beep. You place the receiver back on the cradle.
With all the noise in the house and your frantic racing around to get drinks in order, keep the music going and acting as a buffer between Jesus Quintana and the other guys from the bowling league, you don’t even hear the Dude come in. You are only aware of Dude’s presence when you hear a clipped, “Hello Jeffrey.”
“Hi Maude,” the Dude says. His shaggy hair falls over one sunglass-covered eye. He shuffles towards the bar and prepares a Caucasian, with Maude bee-lining straight for him. The hair has a few extra flecks of grey and the paunch has expanded some, but he’s still the Dude. “So, uh, hey man, do you mind if I do a jay?” he asks.
If you’d like to feed your unhealthy Lebowski obsession (á la the big screen The Big Lebowski, written and directed by the Coen brothers in 1998) and celebrate all things Dude-related this weekend, you are just in time for Lebowskifest New York, which is being held in Brooklyn on December 16 and 17. The opening party will be at North Six on the 16th, with live music by Bling Kong, Hair Supply (a heavy-metal tribute to Air Supply) and the Prayers and Tears of Arthur Digby Sellars. The bands will be followed by a screening of the film. The festivities continue on the 17th at Cozy Bowl in Brooklyn, where the main event will be, of course, bowling. Perhaps you want to show up to debate Nihilism with guys dressed in black rubber suits, or you have a new theory as to why the check the Dude writes at the beginning of the movie is dated September 11. You should find all this and more at Lebowskifest. (Click on lebwoskifest.com for more info and to purchase tickets, which are $15 for the opening night and $25 for the party at Cozy and unlimited bowling.)
If you just want to get in a Dude state of mind, light some candles, put on the whale songs tape, shrug and say to yourself, “Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometime, well, the bear, he eats you.” Then, practice making White Russians. There are a few schools of thought on fixing the quintessential White Russian, though the basic ingredients remain constant. Some like to mix the ingredients in a cocktail shaker and pour the frothy concoction over ice, but this tends to produce extremely milkshake-like results. If this is your preference, the Cigar bar in Sag Harbor does a good job of it. The more classic approach is just to pour the ingredients in a glass and add milk as you would to coffee.
Here are a couple of variations on the classic cocktail. The first is the Dude’s ideal version, and the second is a holiday twist on that recipe.
Caucasian
3 oz vodka
1 1/2 oz Kahlua
Splash of Ralph’s Half ‘n Half, paid for with a personal check
Pour vodka over ice into a rocks glass, then pour Kahlua, and add a generous splash of Half ‘n Half. Stir with your finger, and taste the drink by sticking your finger in your mouth once you are satisfied with the mixing job. Add an ingredient you felt was lacking after the first taste. Stir with finger and taste again. If you don’t have Half ‘n Half, don’t worry. The Dude is a resourceful guy – lazy, but resourceful. In a pinch, anything will do to substitute for the milk, even non-dairy creamer (though this variant of the White Russian is known as Maude).
Egg Nogtini
1 part Kahlua
2 parts vodka
Splash of eggnog
Splash of milk
Pinch of nutmeg
Put Kahlua, vodka, eggnog, milk and nutmeg in a shaker filled with ice. Shake vigorously until shaker frosts. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with fresh-ground nutmeg and a cinnamon stick.
–John Capone
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