| Issue #43, February 2, 2007 |
White Couch + Red Wine = No Problem
by Emily J Weitz
There is nothing so lovely on a chilly winter evening as curling up by a fire, fingers clasped around a leggy glass of red wine. A wide smile spread across my face as I sank into the cozy down couch and listen to the harsh wind howling at the door, grateful for my warm and happy respite. My parents’ Yorkshire Terrier, that I was dog-sitting for the weekend felt the same way. Yes, Phoebe and I were content, crashing at a friend’s welcoming abode. And Phoebe, in all her joy, leapt up onto my lap to share in the pleasures of this comfy evening by the fire. And she smashed her tiny head into the stem of my wine glass and our perfection was shattered. Red wine all over the summery sofa.
I looked up helplessly and my friends, two of whom lived in this house, looked appalled. I was going to be thrown out in the cold! The wind was knocking at the door and I had suddenly worn out my welcome. Me, and my little dog too.
“Do not fear!” I assured them, trying to wipe their forlorn faces off their shaking heads. Little did they know that this was no first-time spill for me. No, I am an expert when it comes to spilling wine. And I know the trick to getting it out. You may not believe me at first, but trust me, it works like a charm. If you take the ferry over to Shelter Island, you will not be able to find a couch soaked in red wine. It looks good as new.
The first thing I did, after whisking the little mongrel up by the harness and looking disappointedly into her uncomprehending eyes, was run to the kitchen. You’ve probably heard of the club soda trick and that is part one of this magical process. DO NOT TOUCH THE PAPER TOWELS. You will be tempted, I’m sure, to grab as many paper towels as possible and imitate a Bounty commercial as you sop up the wine, but we are talking about a fabric couch, which is seeping the stains in as we speak. We need a lifting agent.
Take a bottle of club soda. If you don’t have any, seltzer or even plain water will be okay. Pour the entire bottle on the wine stain. Don’t be shy…… it’s better to have a soaked butt later tonight when you forget all about the stain than a huge red spot on your couch for good. Once you have diluted the stain with a good soaking (without dabbing it with a towel or anything), you are ready for the secret ingredient: salt.
You know that giant tub of salt that sits in your cupboard year after year? How many pinches of salt does it take to actually finish one of those? Well, I will never know, because I open up the spout and pour the salt out for this task. Coat the stain with little hills of salt. Make sure you cannot see any red at all.
Now, you wait. That’s the most important part. Wait until the salt and the club soda completely dry up. This will take a few hours. I usually just leave it overnight. Then, in the morning, take the once-stained object and scrape the salt off. Then, if possible, take it outside and shake out all the excess salt. You won’t even be able to find the stain.
I know it sounds hard to believe, but it’s true! When we woke up the next morning (ahem, afternoon) I was proud to unveil my masterpiece. It was as if nothing had happened. Phoebe and I were permitted to stay another night, although we did switch to white wine on the following day.
We all have our expertise and mine just so happens to be “Getting by in life when you’re secretly a bit of a mess.” I have transformed that weakness into a strength, because in the crowds I hang out with, I’m not the only one who’s a threat when it comes to glasses of red wine and cozy white couches.
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