Issue #44, February 9, 2007

Twentysomething....

People

wth David Lion Rattiner

I no longer believe that anybody has it completely together. This astronaut story that broke last Tuesday about Navy Capt. Lisa Marie Nowak who attempted to kidnap and beat the crap out of another female astronaut over a man, who is yet another Navy trained astronaut, has lifted the veil of ignorance off of my head.

This whole drama has shed some light on a lot of things. First of all, it clears up the one mystery that has been bugging me for years, and that is, whether or not anybody has had sex in space and also whether or not it is possible. Well when you have three raging horny astronauts in a love triangle and a ballistic missile sending them into the heavens, you got yourself a shaggin’ spaceship-wagon and one awesome game of truth or dare.

If you looked at this woman before this incident, you would have seen an amazing person. She is an astronaut, she excelled to high ranks in the Navy and she is obviously very passionate. We are talking about a supposed genius here. We are talking all-star athlete, and captain of the chess club and perfect family type of woman. Nowak is married with three children and has the perfect husband. She is the kind of woman who inadvertently makes you feel terrible about how little you have accomplished in your life.

Little did you know that all this time, she was a crazy, cheating psychotic. I’m not putting this past anybody anymore.

You never know what the hell is going on with those “perfect” people. I would go as far to say that the “perfect” people are the ones to watch out for the most because it just so happens that those are the people that freak out and pepper spray that crap out of you when you arrive at Orlando on a flight from Houston.

Did you hear about how she bought diapers to prevent bathroom breaks as she drove the 1000 miles nonstop from Houston to Orlando in order to arrive on time at the airport so that she could pepper spray Colleen Shipman in a jealous rage? Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me? Perhaps it is depressing doing a job that sends you into outer space for no real reason.

As it hit me that this woman is apparently completely crazy, it also hit me that the interview process to become an astronaut needs to be tightened up. The thing that is really scary about this is the fact that this woman convinced enough people that it would be okay for her to fly around in a space shuttle. For example, if you are wearing a diaper to prevent bathroom breaks at an astronaut interview, it might be a good idea not to hire you. The guy that they were fighting over must be caught in a real bind now. After all, his love affair with both women has been outed to the public and his suspicions that one of the women he was sleeping with is a banana are all now confirmed. What do you do if you are this guy? Dump the diaper lady and try to fix things with the other astronaut? If this guy can pull that off then I am going to join the Navy under the belief that Navy guys can do anything, and by anything, I mean that they are one step short of James Bond.

I have learned two things from this story. The first thing is that you should never cheat on your girlfriend because she might pepper spray you and shoot you with a carbon dioxide powered BB gun. And the second thing that I have learned is that Navy guys drive women completely insane and that if you ever have a daughter, never let them go out with a Navy guy. Also, if you have a girlfriend, never let her make “friends” with a Navy guy. It is just going to lead to one big mess.

The real lesson in this story however, is that you have to respect people on an individual basis and you have to get to know people before you can pass judgment on them. For example, if you meet a seemingly perfect woman who has a fancy job, a great body and seems to have it completely together, don’t buy it for a second until you check her car and make sure that it is adult-diaper and BB gun free.

Nobody is perfect, especially astronauts.