GONZALES, IMUS, CORZINE AND THE AMERICAN WAY

By Dan Rattiner

I have been following this story about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and the eight District Attorneys that got fired. Now, I don't know if he is doing anything differently than the Democrats might do when their party is in office but, in any case, the Democrats are jumping on him. And his responses have reminded me of some memory from long ago that had something to do with my small children. I think it was David, when he was five, or Gabriel at that age. Or it might have been Adam, when he was six, or Maya.

Before I get to that, however, I would like to review what it is that has gotten Gonzales in trouble.

Whenever a new President comes in, he starts making political appointments. Of course, he has to wait until a job becomes available. A district attorney retires or moves on. Or perhaps a district attorney doesn't do a good job and has to be replaced. When that happens, a Democratic President appoints a fellow Democrat and a Republican appoints a fellow Republican.

In eight cases, however, Democratic district attorneys got hurried along by the administration. Maybe it went over the line, maybe it didn't. The Democrats are all over this one, sniffing email and telephone calls and so forth.

And now we come to Alberto Gonzales who, as Attorney General, is supposed to be responsible for all these District Attorneys. So he gets called up before a Congressional Committee that has been looking into all this.

First, he says, nobody got fired without proper cause. Then he says, okay, they did, but he didn't do it -- his deputy did it. And he's just been kicking himself because he should have been paying more attention to what was going on. Then he says that, in hindsight, he would have handled all this differently. He apologizes to all the people who were let go, particularly their wives and children. Those who got fired were fine lawyers and dedicated professionals. Then, he says he has nothing to hide.

The latest thing he says -- as we go to press -- is that he hasn't done anything improper, and also that, at times, he has been less than precise about his explanations.

So this is what this has to do with something that happened when Gabriel was five and David was six. I now remember it well.

David (age six): Mom, Gabriel stole my cookie.

Gabriel (age five): I did not. You stole my cookie first.

Mother (Democrat): Gabriel, did you steal David's cookie?

Gabriel: What cookie?

Mother: You are going to be punished.

Gabriel: I didn't steal David's cookie. Elliot stole David's cookie.

Mother: Elliot went back home. His mom picked him up.

Gabriel: I should have stopped Elliot from stealing David's cookie.

Mother: Gabriel?

Gabriel: Well I'm sorry for whatever it was I did. Or whatever you think I did.

Mother: What?

Gabriel: If I had to do this over again, I would have handled this whole thing differently.

Mother: What?

Gabriel: I'm really sorry I stole David's cookie. I'm particularly sorry that Elliot was here when I did it.

Mother: Wait until your father gets home.

Gabriel: He's really a fine brother. He doesn't deserve to have his cookie stolen.

Mother: No he doesn't.

Gabriel: So I feel bad for him. I'm sorry I hurt his feelings. On the other hand, I have nothing to hide.

Mother: Wait until your father hears about this.

Gabriel: Maybe I'm not explaining all this very well.

Father (Republican): What's going on here?

Mother: Your son Gabriel needs to be punished. He keeps changing his story. I can't get anything straight out of him.

Father (to Gabriel): Well?

Gabriel: Hi Dad.

Father: You better straighten up and fly right, kid. (to Mother) I don't think it's such a big deal.

And there you have it. Remember, you read it first in Dan's Papers. Now, also as we go to press, it is in the news that the Governor of New Jersey, John Corzine, remains in intensive care because a state trooper got them into an auto accident while driving the Governor's Chevrolet Tahoe to Drumthwacket, the Governor's mansion, where the Governor was supposed to moderate a conversation between Don Imus and the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team. Don Imus said some very bad words about the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team -- he wants to apologize.

Keep in mind that we live in a time when global warming is rising up to injure our planet, when the Iranians are about to make Nuclear Weapons and we continue to lose soldiers in Iraq.

But America remains fascinated by what people are or are not allowed to say. Imus got sunk by saying one bad thing. Gonzales seems to be trying to avoid getting sunk by saying just about everything.