The Hampton Subway Newsletter: Week of May 27- June 3, 2011

Week of May 27- June 3, 2011

Riders this week: 11,821

Rider miles this week: 106,847

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Writer Jay McInerney was seen on the same subway train between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor as Jon Stewart and Tina Fey, but each of them was on the train at a different time, McInerney in the morning, Stewart in the afternoon and Fey around 7 p.m. Why were they going around separately like this?

GOING GREEN

As I am sure you are aware, the subway system is now festooned with big green signs with white letters that read HAMPTON SUBWAY GOES GREEN in honor of the campaign to teach people how important it is to save the environment. In the coming weeks, however, these signs are coming down as we have learned that the paint company we hired to make these signs has been charged by a government agency with using cheap, outlawed lead-based paint on all the signs they produce. Since in response, the company, called Bubbling Brook Signs, has gone out of business, it remains to be seen how soon we will be able to get them redone and back up.

MEMORIAL DAY

Hampton Subway is fully prepared for the crowds of Memorial Day. All 30 of our “pushers” are going through physical training programs to be strong enough to herd people from the platforms into the subway cars beginning on Friday. And to our fleet of 36 subway cars, we are adding an additional six, lent to us by the West Palm Beach Subway System. Do not be confused if the subway you board says West Palm Beach on it. It’s really just for the weekend. [expand]

RIVAL SUBWAY SYSTEM IDEA DEFEATED

The Hamptons Town Council has rejected an application for a SECOND subway system for the Hamptons to be called the EE Subway (stands for East End-get it?). The plan, put together by Russian Oligarth Jawara Badanov, who recently bought a house on Meadow Lane in Southampton, was turned down by a vote of 4-3. Reportedly, his house, which he paid $44 million for, is now back on the market at $27 million, first come first served.

NEW SUBWAY TO THE BEACH

The editors of this newsletter were as shocked as anybody to learn on Tuesday that two new spurs have secretly been added to the line, one from Main Street Southampton to Cooper’s Beach and the other from Main Street East Hampton to Main Beach. The Southampton Spur opened for business with a ribbon cutting on the platform at Main Beach last Saturday, reportedly with Israeli President Benjamin Netenyahu and China’s Prime Minister Wen Hu holding up the two ends. We have no idea who will be attending and holding the ribbon up in East Hampton, although it is rumored it might be Lady Gaga.

BUMP REPAIRED

Riders have long hung onto their seats in recent years as the subway passes this spot about midway between Quogue and Quiogue, where there is a kind of speedbump. All subway conductors are required to call out “here comes the speedbump,” just before that spot is reached, and as a result of that order, there have been no incidents or injuries when the subway passes over.

Experts hired by Hampton Subway say this speedbump, a lurch upwards of about eight inches for a four-foot stretch, say that it was caused by a very tiny earthquake, the tiniest earthquake ever to hit the United States at 0.04, which was measured here in 1974.

Well now, our workmen have repaired this bump, using a bulldozer rigged up with subway wheels, which was towed out to that part of the tunnel last Wednesday night and during the four hours the subway is closed for maintenance, did the work. Now everything is smooth as a goose.

After the work was done, many of the subway conductors say they shouted out “here comes the speedbump” just out of habit, and the people hung on though there was no speedbump, and it took them most of the day to remember each time not to say that.

FUNDRAISER FOR THE SUBWAY

Beginning this weekend, Hampton Subway volunteers are going to be sitting in chairs behind folding tables on the platforms, asking straphangers as they come through to donate whatever they can spare to help pay for the two new Subway lines to the beach. The original cost estimates were exceeded dramatically because much of it had to be built in secrecy and workmen were not clear when to show up and on what days so the work moved along in fits and starts. Please be generous.

RAIN, RAIN GO AWAY

During this past week of driving rain, many people headed down to the subway platforms to dry out. We did a brisk umbrella-selling business down there. The deal was you could get a subway card and swipe your way to stand on the platform, or you could buy an umbrella, which were being sold by our token booth people, but you couldn’t be allowed back up onto the street unless you did one or the other. Our subway security guards did a simply wonderful job attending to this. The umbrellas say “I LOVE HAMPTON SUBWAY.”

NEW SUBWAY TREADS FOR THE STAIRS

The new slip-proof, rubberized tread covers for the stairs going up and down to all the subway platforms have arrived at our Hampton Bays headquarters and will be installed in the week after Memorial Day. They will make things a lot easier for people, especially those who are disabled and cannot climb stairs.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I have personally invited President Barack Obama to attend and perhaps hold one of the ends of the ribbon at the inaugural ribbon-cutting on the Southampton Subway platform this Saturday at noon. (Lady Gaga might hold the other end.) It would be a great honor if he were to show up, as it would showcase small subway systems all around the United States, if there are others in addition to ours. Aides to the President say he is seriously considering our request and may cut his European tour short, but a lot would depend upon the schedule of the Pope, because he cannot miss that meeting.[/expand]