The Hamptons Subway: Week of June 25 – July 1, 2011

Week of June 25 – July 1, 2011

Riders this week: 13,212

Rider miles this week: 122,875

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Madonna was seen on the Hampton Subway between Bridgehampton and Water Mill traveling with someone who looked like Sarah Palin. Or maybe it was Tina Fey. [expand]

GREAT DANE LOST

If anyone sees a lost Great Dane and a baby carriage somewhere on the Hampton Subway system, please report them to Alice Ontopolis, who is apparently the owner of both. Do not call anyone at the Hampton Subway office or on the system, as the Hampton Subway management has refused to look for them. It’s a long story.

The policy of Hampton Subway is that only dogs under 15 pounds can be transported on the subway system, and then only if they are either in a carrier or a canvas bag.

At 4 p.m. Tuesday, Alice Ontopolis boarded a subway train at the Water Mill stop bound for Southampton pushing a baby carriage, which she told other riders contained a baby. In fact, what she was bringing on the subway was a 200-pound Great Dane. Four holes had been made in the bottom of the baby carriage. The Great Dane’s legs were through the holes, trotting along as the carriage was pushed. The Dane’s body and head were inside the baby carriage in a prone position, under a blanket, with the dog’s head sticking out, wearing a baby bonnet.

It was Ms. Ontopolis’ intention to get off the train in Hampton Bays, but before that, when the train stopped in Southampton and the doors slid open, the dog and carriage trotted off. The doors closed before Ms. Ontopolis could get off, because, as Ms. Ontopolis told other passengers, she was so surprised.

At the present time, the dog and baby carriage show is somewhere in the system. Our Commissioner, upon hearing of this misadventure, and in spite of all urgings not to, declared that since this subterfuge had been deliberately done to get around the Subway ordinances, no attempt was to be made to find the lost arrangement.

This article is not intended to help anybody who comes across this business. We are simply telling the story. And if you want to contact Ms. Ontopolis for a chitchat, her number is 641-444-3250.

CHINESE HERE

Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall and a group of 26 businessmen from China toured the Hampton Subway system last Thursday, taken around by the new Hampton Subway Public Relations Director Anthony Weiner. Weiner, who has only been on the job for four days, had to get a crash course about the history of the system and its current configuration in a marathon session on Wednesday with the Subway Historian, Fred Ax.

The group, all in suits and ties, were shown the Montauk Yards and the surveillance towers at each corner of the barbed wire fence that surrounds it. Seventeen cars were in for cleaning or maintenance, and Weiner told them that the rest, 22 cars, were out on the various routes at that hour of the morning. The group then took the subway to East Hampton, then transferred to another subway to Sag Harbor, where they had lunch at the American Hotel and were entertained by Jimmy Buffett playing some of his songs on an acoustic guitar.

Busses then took the group to Southampton, where they toured the platform there, and then to Hampton Bays and the fascist-styled main headquarters building for the Subway on Ponquogue Avenue, where the group met with the secretaries and clerks and accountants and shook hands all around.

At the end of the day, after peering into the electrical generation room and the diesel fuel warehouse storage area, the Chinese visitors smiled happily and then went to Commissioner Aspinall’s home on Meadow Lane in Southampton for a lavish dinner prepared by the Aspinall staff.

Just after dessert, the Commissioner’s opening speech and Mr. Weiner’s history of the system, a Chinese interpreter, Weng Chou Fu, arrived, apparently having been delayed in Chicago changing planes.

Chou Fu thanked  everyone for their hospitality, explained that the smiles, handshakes and little bows that the Americans had taken for approval were merely good manners, since none of them understood a word of English. He explained they were here because Hampton Subway is the only small-town subway system in America and they wanted to see how it might work for a beach town just outside of Shanghai, and they were also thinking they might, if that were successful, then build similar subway systems in about 14,000 other small towns in that country.

After dinner, the delegation went on its way, but not until a little 8-year-old girl from Quogue presented each of the businessmen with a bouquet of flowers. It was 9 p.m. Past her bedtime. Everyone smiled.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I want to re-iterate the rules about riding Hampton Subway. There are to be no dogs over 15 pounds, no cats unless in a carrier, no snakes or other creatures, no smoking, no wearing of bathing suits, no traveling nude, no drinking alcohol and no listening to boom box radios loud. There will be no electioneering, no panhandling, no playing of musical instruments and no spitting. Also, seats are to be given up for the disabled or infirm and there will be no loud talking which might disturb others. Otherwise, have a good trip.

TASTE OF TWO FORKS

The Hampton Subway will lend its name to the big food and wine event called Dan’s Taste of Two Forks that will take place on Saturday night, July 16, in Bridgehampton at the Horse Show Grounds on Snake Hollow Road. The VIP Champagne Reception begins at 6:30 p.m. and General Admission starts at 7:30. Attendees will receive the bounty of more than 35 restaurants and more than 30 wineries all evening, for $150 regular admission and $225 VIP. A portion of the proceeds will go to all our local food pantries through the Have a Heart Community Trust. [/expand]