Hamptons Police Blotter, July 8, 2011

DWI 

10 billion DWI’s were issued to residents and tourists on the East End over 4th of July weekend. Expect less traffic next weekend since so many people had their licenses taken away.

Billions

$573 billion worth of parking tickets were issued over the weekend by teenagers with walkie-talkies that will grow up to be good policemen in these here parts.

12

A dozen people were arrested in Hampton Bays for drug possession as undercover police officers cracked down on drug use and drug sales in the area of the Tiana Beach parking lot.

Hit By Car 

For all of you bicycle enthusiasts out there in the Hamptons who think it is safe to ride your bicycle in the middle of the street, be advised, there was a cyclist that was hit in Quogue last week by a car. The cyclist suffered serious injuries and needed to be hospitalized and the driver of the vehicle was arrested. An investigation is pending into the incident.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 96 and former World War II rocket launch specialist, was arrested last week after he deliberately drove his Ford F-150 directly into The Shelter Island Coffee House, or as McGumbus calls it, “Hippie Headquarters.” No hipsters were injured, to the dismay of McGumbus, but one hipster was quoted as saying, “I was already injured yesterday so I mean whatever.”

Theft 

In Southampton, a report of several filet mignon steaks that were stolen had the town laughing when it turned out that the steaks were stolen by the owners dog. The dog that stole all of the steaks and ate them is named Steaky.

Surfboard

A surfboard was stolen in Montauk last week.

Now that’s just wrong.

—David Lion Rattiner