Week of July 8-14, 2011

Riders this week: 14,721

Rider miles this week:138,890*

*Tied for the record.

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Author Tom Wolfe in his trademark white suit was spotted on the Hampton Subway between Water Mill and Southampton, carrying groceries and listening to music on an IPod. Wolfe’s purchases, which included a two pack of Bounty Paper Towels, which were sticking out, were in a brown paper bag, in compliance with the new Southampton town law, which bans the use of plastic bags in that village.

THAT DELAY

Hampton Subway regrets the 20-minute delay that took place during the morning rush hour last Thursday. One of the subway cars on a subway train leaving the Montauk station got a flat tire, a rare occurrence since we use space age tires that are supposed to never have this problem. Workmen raced to the scene and changed the tire and the train was quickly on its way, although the delay affected the entire system with trains coming to a halt everywhere for that length of time. [expand]

SUBWAY CONTRACT RENEWED

The special concession with Subway, the restaurant chain, has been renewed for another year. The popular eatery has stands on all subway platforms, just adjacent to the newspaper and magazine concession.

DAN’S TASTE OF TWO FORKS

Contracts have been signed with the promoters of Dan’s Taste of Two Forks taking place on Saturday night July 16 from 6:30 to 10 p.m., to serve canapés and hors d’oeuvres on the subway system from 5 to 6 p.m. as a taste treat to partygoers heading to the big white tents at Sayre Park in Bridgehampton on Snake Hollow Road that day.

MEIG’S RAID DISASTER

Residents of Sag Harbor were awakened in the middle of the night on July 4 by shots being fired down on the subway platform at that hour. The police responded to the many calls they received at 2:46.33 a.m. and arrived at the escalators going down, there setting up a defensive position on the street to respond to the possible event of whoever was down there coming up. Shots continued to be fired. At 3:14.23 a.m., the County Swat Team arrived in helicopters and rappelled down through the stairway to the platform by rope to discover a full scale re-enactment of the 1777 middle of the night rebel raid on the British redcoats on Long Wharf, put together at that hour by Howard Huntington of the South Hunting Militia at the request of Hampton Subway’s brand new P.R. director Lance Bastion. Local police rounded up the 35 soldiers—not hard to do since they were carrying only muskets, swords and pistols—and took them into custody. In the meantime, local police woke up Bastion in Shirley where he lives to discover that he had ordered this as a “surprise” to the Subway Commissioner as part of the July 4 celebration. He was arrested for disturbing the peace.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Hampton Subway does not take the flat tire that happened on the system lightly. These tires are the very same tires used on the Space Shuttle for when it lands. They have been on our trains without incident until now. And they are warranteed to never break. This particular tire was from a group of 16 dozen of them we recently purchased at a special bargain price direct from the manufacturer now that the Shuttle program is discontinued and these are his leftovers. They are being returned. And if we do not get our money back we will sue.

Our newest P.R. director, Lance Bastion, had to be fired on July 5 for a misguided attempt at a battle re-creation at the Sag Harbor Station. It was a great inconvenience for everybody, and we particularly apologize to the South Huntington Militia for coming all this way to be arrested by the County Swat Team after the battle began but before they were able to complete their mission by rousting out all the Redcoats. [/expand]