Police Blotter

Odd Call

A man, possibly under the influence of drugs, made a call in Southampton reporting that there was an intruder in his home and that he had attacked him with a baseball bat. The man then explained that the intruder “was in the mirror,” of his house and that he was continuing to search for him. Allllrighty then.

BASTARD!

A man on the North Fork was heard by many at the beach screaming at the top of his lungs, “BASTARD!” in what appeared to be a sheer panic. After making many people uncomfortable, he was questioned and explained that he was looking for his dog, who’s name is Baxter, but due to a speech impediment, the man sounds as if he is saying “Bastard.”

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 103-year-old President of the Shelter Island Board Of Concerned Citizens, former World War II submarine mechanic, and owner of The Shelter Island Fireworks, Shotguns and Sporting Goods store, was arrested last week after accidentally setting off three tons of dynamite in Coecles Harbor. McGumbus, who for the past 40 years has been in charge of all of Shelter Island’s fireworks displays, had a vision that for this year’s fourth of July’s festivities, he would use dynamite to blow up 200 tons of men’s scarves and skinny jeans in an explosion he was calling publicly, “Death To Hipsters.” Things went wrong during the transport of the dynamite from the shore to a barge after McGumbus lit up a cigarette too close to the dynamite. “When the fuse was lit, there was nothing I could do, I just went running for the hills.”

The dynamite suspiciously exploded directly in front of Suzie McBisquick’s house, Old Man McGumbus’s ex-wife, as well as Hans Zigler’s house, a German national that McGumbus has been in numerous confrontations with. Both of their homes were completely destroyed in the explosion. “I take full responsibility for the accident,” McGumbus stated in a press release to the local papers, “But do not worry. The Shelter Island fireworks displays will all continue on schedule, and we have just ordered the maximum amount of dynamite the government will allow us to use. It’s going to be spectacular.”

Lost

A man in East Hampton reported that he lost his wife about six months ago and that he doesn’t know where she is.

Ouch

A woman in Hampton Bays required medical attention after she accidentally rubbed hemorrhoid cream on her eyes. The woman read in a magazine that doing so would make her look younger. It didn’t work. We tried it out. It just really stings.