If You Get—or Give—Fruitcake for the Holidays...

“What would you like from my mother this year?”
I stopped watching the game, lending my wife an ear

“How about something that would lighten this place
How about something I need, like more space!

Remember, I say lighten because of her gift to me last,
The Fruitcake from Hell, from which I almost passed”

“Bob, I thought we were finally letting this go.”
“I’m trying, my dear, but it’s so hard, you know

The only good thing was, it came in the mail
Yes, the mailman was panting and looked kind of pale”

“It all could have ended if you’d just let it be
But you just had to test its dense properties, you see”

“Well, I needed to drop it from high to have proof
Which is why I needed to climb up on the roof.

If my theory was right and it landed in snow
I could measure the cloud coming up from below.”

“And that would be fine, Bob, if it ended right there
But a windshield’s a pricey thing to repair”

If I hadn’t slipped and gotten caught on that gutter…
Yeah, cat burglary could never be my bread and butter

“Let’s send those firemen a Christmas card this year
They did say you made a lovely ornament, my dear”

“And my wife, if you say fruitcake really tastes good
Feel free—there’s some of it still stuck on the hood”