How to Speed Things Up So Time Dawdles

I recently came across an aged man in the elevator. The doors were shutting, and at the last second, I wedged my hands and forced them open. Once inside, this guy looks at me and says, “You need to slow down son, life is too short to be going so fast. Stop and smell the roses.”

This seemed quite ironic to me given the fact that he was like 100 years old. Anyhow, I pondered that thought on my way from the first to the 14th floors.

This event did not motivate me to want to create a Bucket List like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in a movie by the same name. What it did do is make me realize that if life is indeed short, as my elevator companion suggested, then I better start going twice as fast as I normally do.

I have created a list of some time-saving items:

1. Sign all your blank checks as soon as you get them from the bank. That way you will save time having to sign each one as you write them in the future. An added benefit is eliminating the chance of having your check returned by the bank because of a suspicious signature, like when you have to sign one while you are drunk.

2. Park as close to the cart return in the parking lot as you can. That way when you are done loading the car you don’t have to look for a cart return area. That is assuming that you actually return your cart instead of just ditching them anywhere. While I am on the subject, would the person whose errant cart hit my 1972 Green Maverick at the Target in Riverhead on February 12 please come forward?

3. Shopping late at night will you save time in the check out line. You might have to give up “Letterman” or “Leno” one night a week but there’s always “Conan” or “Kimmel.”

4. Only patronize businesses that are located on the ground level. This saves time with stairs and escalators, elevators, etc. I didn’t come up with this one until after my elevator experience.

5. Consider dropping your kids off at school a couple hours early so you don’t have to fight the traffic in the drop-off area. More school equals more education.

6. Only eat at restaurants that have low patronage. This way you never have to wait in line and service is faster. Look for those with the lower sanitation ratings.

7. When at home, only eat microwavable meals. Microwaves cook at twice the speed of conventional ovens. It also saves time having to add salt to your meal, as most of these types are already loaded with sodium.

8. Drive safely but get to the speed limit as quick as possible. That’s why they advertise on all those commercials “0-60 miles per hour in 4.2 seconds.”

9. Kiss you spouse or loved on all at once for the entire week. Also, never waste time on Public Displays of Affection.

10. Speed reading doesn’t work so only read books of 60 pages or less.

11. Limit television watching to no more than five hours per day.

12. Sleep less. There is no need for more than six hours sleep per night. As the saying goes, you can sleep when you die.

13. Clean the house only in the spring. That is why they call it Spring Cleaning.

14. Hold your bladder until you can’t hold it anymore. A single trip to the restroom versus two smaller trips is better.

I estimate that these alone will give you perhaps as much as an additional 16 hours per week free time. But be sure to use that time wisely. Now that I have so much additional time, I have taken up Island Bird Watching.