Hampton Subway: Week of July 6-12, 2012

Riders this week: 19,999

Rider miles this week: 199,998

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Fashion designer Nicole Miller was seen on the Hampton Subway last Monday morning between Water Mill and Bridgehampton, apparently on her way to a rehearsal for the Dan’s Taste of Two Forks even July 14.

NOT QUITE

Hampton Subway was most disappointed this week when it seemed that we were on the verge of setting two new world records—the number of riders who use the service weekly, and the number of rider miles gone by all the riders weekly. No week has ever had a total of 2,000 riders and 20,000 miles before. When it was apparent that we were on the verge of this, Security Chief Max Bellows was sent down to our busiest station, Southampton, to see if he couldn’t persuade someone who did not intend to use the subway on that last day to do so. But when he pushed someone on, the fellow jumped right back off. Bellows also ordered subway doors not opened at that station for a half hour so people would have to stay on until Hampton Bays. But when other people heard about this they got off a station early. So it was not to be.

TOKEN BOOTH SACKED

Last Wednesday morning at 8:15 a.m., during the rush hour, the computer that allows our token booth operator at Amagansett to sell new subway cards broke down, so certain people heading to work were not able to do so. The token booth was pushed over on its side with Maybelle Edison, the operator in it. She was slightly injured but was told to take the day off even after protesting that she need not do so but then did so. Good Samaritan straphangers righted the toll booth and token booth operator manager Henry Attenborough took her place.

TASTE OF ONE SUBWAY A BIG HIT

The big food event Taste of One Subway held last Friday at the urging of our Commissioner to upstage the upcoming Dan’s Taste of Two Forks at Sayre Park in Bridgehampton on Saturday July 14 at 6:30 p.m. VIP and 7:30 Regular was a big hit.

Our event was intended to be catered by 17 chefs and 38 wineries on all the subway platforms simultaneously, however, the “suits” from the Subway restaurant chain reminded Hampton Subway at the very last minute that because they hold the exclusive food franchise rights to the platforms, all food would be provided by them. So attendees feasted on Turkey and Cheese sandwiches, meatball heroes, yogurt and salad. A chef identified as Monsieur Henri d’Ouberge Avignon, who said he was the Chef supposed to be featured at the event, got arrested. He threw pate and caviar at the people behind the Subway counter on the Southampton platform, causing them to falter in attempting to complete their duties to the crowd there.

TVs ON THE SUBWAY

The attempt to provide electronic entertainment instead of the live music from the troubadours who until now wandered the subway cars has ended in failure.

Frank Whipple, the Hampton Subway’s new marketing director had ordered this. The electronic entertainment consisted of old non-flat screen TVs which he got cheap and had mounted on brackets high up on each subway car tuned to FOX NEWS which he also apparently got free. Unfortunately, few people watched the TVs, because the noise from the subway was so loud you couldn’t hear what the anchors and sportscasters were saying. The next day, Whipple had all the channels changed to HBO, which resulted in a chaos of riders missing their stops hoping to see the ends of the movies and then scrambling off to and cross the platforms and go the other way. All the TVs were therefore taken down and put in our Montauk warehouse for future sale.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I will be at the Dan’s Taste of Two Forks event on Saturday July 14 at Sayre Park in Bridgehampton, as part of the early VIP group. It’s not that I want to go. But I have to go to keep an eye on our competition for next year. Also, I am going to be seated next to Chef Jean–Georges Vogerichten, the host of the event, or so Frank Whipple, my marketing director said just before I fired him.