Police Blotter: Wild Animals, Old Man McGumbus

Stories of jaguars and other wild animals being sighted in the Hamptons have been circulating and stirring great debate as to the reality of what creatures are walking out streets. What are they? Where did they come from? This week’s Hamptons Police Blotter may provide some answers….

PARTY BROKEN UP

A house party in East Hampton was broken up after police were alerted that the host was under the age of 21 and alcohol was present. Nobody was arrested but there were a lot of underage drinkers who were very disappointed.

BROKEN DOOR

A door window was broken in Amagansett, but upon inspection the homeowner believed that nothing inside of his house had been stolen. He said that he couldn’t be sure, though, because he doesn’t really have anything in his home that he cares much about. It’s his fourth home.

SHELTER ISlAND

In an effort to explore more options for public wildlife on Shelter Island, Old Man McGumbus, the 105-year-old former World War II parachute machine gunner, flamethrower operator and world record holder for the most enemy kills during World War II using a flamethrower, was arrested last week after he illegally imported four lions and three African elephants onto Shelter Island and attempted to release them. McGumbus was spotted at the wildlife preserve on Shelter Island with the animals in large cages on wheels, which he was hauling by hand. McGumbus, who envisioned opening a Shelter Island African wildlife hunting lodge, was arrested after he was seen pulling the cages filled with both the elephants and the lions and then opening the doors. He was brought to police headquarters, then was released on his own recognizance. The wild animals have been returned to the American Authority on African Wildlife Game and Elephants Federation—whose president ironically is Old Man McGumbus.

STOLEN BOAT

A man in Hampton Bays reported that his boat was stolen. However, it turned out that the boat was simply moved from the water and brought into his backyard by a company he had paid to do this earlier and then forgot about.

WATCH FOUND

A man in East Hampton reported that his $45,000 Rolex watch had gone missing, but he later rescinded the report after a brief search in his home. He found it underneath his bed.

STOLEN PACK

A Southampton shop owner reported that a man walked into his shop and attempted to steal a carton of cigarettes by shoving them down his pants. The shop owner became suspicious when he noticed that the man had a large rectangular bulge near his crotch.