Hamptons Police Blotter: Charity Theft, Check Fraud, Gasonline Fires

From bad drivers to terrible charity thefts, a lot of shocking police reports came in through the wire in the Hamptons.

Bad Driver

It was reported that a Montauk man pulled over for DUI was so heavily intoxicated that a police officer stopped performing a sobriety test because he thought that the man was going to hurt himself. While being arrested, the man kicked, screamed and rolled all over the ground and refused to get into the patrol car. He was driven to Southampton Hospital to have his blood tested, and agreed to the test after stating, “I’ll do it as long as it isn’t used by the police.”

Can You Sink Any Lower?

A man in Sag Harbor was arrested after he was caught stealing money from a collection jar in 7-Eleven that was raising funds for a local woman who was severely injured after being hit by a car. The man swiped the donation jar off the counter and fled in his SUV, but was later caught by police who’d reviewed the surveillance cameras inside the store. There are no plans to set up a donation jar for the man’s bail.

Sinking Lower

Police arrested two men after they stole 17 blank checks from an elderly man in East Hampton and forged his signature on the checks in order to cash them for a total of $3,330. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling bank employees who noticed the checks were signed in crayon.

Shelter Island

All across Shelter Island, roads and driveways were ablaze as gas fires were lit over the course of the weekend. After an investigation into the incident by Shelter Island Private Investigator Wood Herman, it was determined that Old Man McGumbus—101 years old, President of the Shelter Island Fireworks Committee and former World War II Army Admiral—was deliberately lighting the fires because, as he said in a statement, “I’m sick of all this Goddamned snow and I can’t drive anywhere. This is America!” McGumbus reportedly purchased 700 gallons of gasoline and began the project on his driveway, then eventually made his way to the bar Dirty Clams, where he lit fire to the parking lot to open up a space for his 1988 Buick Regal.

Keep Your Eyes on the Road

A woman in East Hampton rear-ended a car and then fled the scene, only to return later to tell police that she’d taken her eyes off of the road while driving because she was adjusting her iPod. Police later learned that the woman was also intoxicated and driving with no license. The song on her iPod, ironically, was “Highway to Hell.”