Hamptons Police Blotter: Snow, Shelter Island, DWI

Only in the Hamptons does a guy decide to get out of his car and beat up his passenger while he is intoxicated. Unbelievable.

Ridiculous and Angry Drunk            

A man in Southampton was arrested for DWI and disorderly conduct after he got into an argument with the passenger in his car, pulled over on the side of the road and then got into a fistfight with him.

When police arrived they found both the driver and the passenger in a struggle and broke up the fight. Police then found the driver of the car to be intoxicated and arrested him.

Shelter Island

During his evening weight-lifting routine at the Shelter Island fitness facility “Mussels” last week, Old Man McGumbus—102 years old and the first and only man in history to win a battle in World War II singlehandedly by walking up to the battlefield with his shirt off and glaring at the Nazi army, who were so intimidated by this display surrendered—was hospitalized. McGumbus apparently hit a heavy bag so hard that he broke both his left and right hands. McGumbus, who is known for his short temper, became enraged at the bag, leaped onto it, and then began viciously biting it. He managed to pull the bag off of its chain and onto the ground, and then began stabbing the heavy bag repeatedly with a Leatherman pocket tool, which he always carries on his person.

The enraged McGumbus completely destroyed the bag and then yelled, “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, YOU GOD DAMN LAWYER BASTARD!” and passed out on the gym floor. The owner of the gym is not pressing charges and not asking McGumbus to pay for the destroyed gym bag. “He just had a bad day, no big deal,” he said.

Snow Panic                       

All across the Hamptons, reports were coming in of gaggles of panicked parents spotted running through the grocery stores late last week yelling and screaming, “I HAVE TO BUY BREAD AND MILK! I HAVE TO BUY BREAD AND MILK! IT’S GOING TO SNOW!!!! WHERE IS THE BREAD AND MILK??!!!” Authorities were able to keep order and ask all residents to remain calm in such situations.

In related news, it’s snowing as this blotter is being compiled.

Two Arrested For Robbery

Two young men in East Hampton were arrested for robbery last week after they high-tailed it away from a house they allegedly robbed, located on Three Mile Harbor Road, in a car filled with the stolen items.

A description of the car was given by the homeowner, and police caught up with them a few hours later and made the arrest. The young men, 21 and 23 years old, tail-between-the-legged it into a prison cell.