A Modest East End Proposal

I’m encouraged by the news that the Town of East Hampton is considering making it illegal for people to pull up to a beach without a parking sticker. Yes, you read that correctly. If the lot is full, then just driving up to the beach to drop somebody off, or even coming by to check out the ocean, would not be allowed if you don’t have a sticker.

I’m totally in favor of this and think the Town should move forward. It’s time that we stopped letting people come to our beaches who are not residents. The Town has proposed the new beach law seemingly with the logic that people who get dropped off at the beach and are not residents are generally up to no good and contribute to overcrowding. They even, gasp, drink alcohol at the beach. Sometimes, gulp, they even bring dogs. We have to fight this craziness.

I think the Town should take this a step further and not just enforce this at the beach, but also on Main Street in East Hampton. The Town should make a new rule that nobody is allowed to drive or park near Main Street in East Hampton unless they can prove that they are a tax-paying resident. Why should just anybody be allowed to drive along these special roads, let alone park on them? I think it’s high time we stop the lunacy of allowing anybody to drive where they want to.

The fact of the matter is that people from out of town don’t even really shop that much, and all they do is crowd up the restaurants and prevent the real residents from enjoying a table. If they want to be able to drive up and down Main Street or even Newtown Lane, the new law should dictate that they have to go into Town Hall and present themselves in person, fill out an official form, state how often they expect to be driving around Main Street and at what times, and then get a special white sticker to be placed in the back windshield of their car.

The same should be true for walking up and down Main Street. Police should be checking people at random, patting them down and making sure they have an official license to walk through the Town of East Hampton. If you aren’t a resident, you will have to present a walking license issued by the Town of East Hampton. This license can be worn around your neck, in full view.

This will solve many problems for the Town of East Hampton. The outrageous overcrowding that we see in the summer will go down dramatically. There will be fewer people everywhere you look, thus creating a much safer and more wonderful place to be.

Speaking of public safety, the time has come to bring metal detectors and security officers to the beach. I’d be in favor of waiting on line and running my belongings through an x-ray machine just like we do at an airport. With all of these high-profile visitors coming to our beaches, we have to keep them safe from a crazy person who might want to harm them.

We must start recognizing the dangers of outsiders. We can’t just keep letting people do as they please with the excuse that they are just “enjoying the Hamptons.” We must, through any means necessary, keep out these criminals.