Hamptons Police Blotter: Ninja Sword vs Bear

Drugs, fires, DWIs and ninja swords were all in a days work during the police beat last week in the Hamptons

‘Shroom With a View
A man in Southampton was arrested after he was pulled over and police found him to be in possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms. The man was reaching into his glove box to get his registration when the mushrooms were spotted by the officer, who didn’t believe the man when he claimed that the suspicious fungi were going to be used for a special pasta dish he was preparing later. Things started to unravel when the man asked the officer, “Why are you melting?”

Mansion Nearly Burns to the Ground
A $6 million-mansion that contained valuable artwork and expensive furniture in Noyac went up in flames and required firefighters from throughout the Hamptons to put it out. The home was almost completely destroyed.

Bro, No
A man in Southampton was arrested after he was caught drinking alcohol in his car and lied to police officers about his identity. The man apparently tried to use his brother’s name in order to hide who he really was. Clearly, this particular family relationship is not a very positive one.

Shelter Island
During his 16-mile morning jog through town, World War II veteran and Shelter Island resident Old Man McGumbus—104 and the oldest living world champion in Kentucky slap boxing—responded to a scream that he heard on Cookiewhistle Lane near the corner of Tulip Clam Road. When McGumbus arrived, he found Samantha Martinez, a 29-year-old waitress originally from Venezuela, completely hysterical because a great black bear was in her driveway. McGumbus immediately reacted by attacking the bear with his ninja sword and driving it back into the woods. There were no reported injuries.

Riverhead
A woman reported that she accidentally left her wallet inside a taxi and when she called the cab company, they returned the wallet but it was $60 short. Ma’am, just be happy you got your wallet back.

Stolen Fuel
A woman in Hampton Bays reported that somebody stole all of the home heating oil from her house. The woman said that she had recently gotten a delivery and that when she went to check to see how much oil was left in the tank, it had disappeared. The woman is fuming at the theft.