Hamptons Police Blotter : McGumbus In Dumpster

A number of shocking Hamptons events highlight this week’s Police Blotter, few more noteworthy than the discovery of a certain Shelter Island legend in a less than lively state.

Skateboard

A man in Hampton Bays was arrested for felony grand larceny after he allegedly stole a skateboard from another man. Grand larceny is defined in New York State as a theft of $1,000 or more. Who in the world has a $1,000 skateboard?

The Bad Son

A man in Riverhead was charged with stealing $15,000 from his mother. The man, who is 46 years old, was arrested and did not make bail, which was set at $2,500. If only his mother had the money to get him out…

One Big Jug

A five-gallon jug filled with change was stolen from a home in Southampton after a burglary took place. The jug is estimated to have had $1,500 worth of pennies, dimes, nickels and quarters inside of it. The thief also made off with a diamond ring and a diamond necklace. If you see anybody in the Hamptons paying their bill with nickels, please alert authorities.

Shelter Island

The Shelter Island Mounted Police responded to reports of a dead body found inside a dumpster near Clamfluke Lane. When they went to investigate, they found the body of Old Man McGumbus, 104 years old and current Island President of the Board for the Friendly Neighbors Island Beautification Committee on Traffic Monitoring and Preservation Tax for Historic Surnames. Old Man McGumbus was pulled out of the dumpster, and police found him to be in possession of 36 Viagra pills, a buck knife, a banana, a flask containing Wild Turkey bourbon, and 17 pieces of paper with various phone numbers that read “Call Me.” There have been no further reports from authorities.

Vote for Me?

Two men who were pretending to conduct political surveys by knocking on doors and asking homeowners if they thought Donald Trump should run for president were arrested after police discovered they were merely using the Trump question as a ruse to check if homes were empty so they could rob them. The plan was uncovered when investigators found the men were selling stolen goods from some of these homes at pawn shops.

Pot Is Legal, Bro

A man in Hampton Bays was pulled over by police and found to be in possession of marijuana. Police arrested the man and processed him at headquarters, and when they explained to the man why he was being charged, he responded by saying, “Pot is legal, bro. Where have you been?” New York, apparently.