Hamptons Subway Newsletter March 22–28

Riders this past week: 8,327

Rider miles this past week: 91,011

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Liza Minnelli was seen riding the subway out of Westhampton Beach heading for Quiogue. Jason Kidd was bouncing a basketball on the subway between Southampton and Water Mill.

HAMPTONS SUBWAY BEING SOLD?

If you read this newsletter last week, you know that the Hamptons Subway recently received a letter from someone who wants to take over the Hamptons Subway. Our Commissioner, Mr. Aspinall was away last week (we don’t know where) but he’s back now and we gave him that letter, to which he said there’s nothing we can do, we have to wait and see what develops further. The letter doesn’t reveal who the person is. Now, in addition, we have received a further letter from this prospective buyer, which is published here.

Dear Hamptons Subway,

An assistant to my secretary’s secretary has brought to my attention that I neglected to comment on Commissioner Aspinall’s future with my client’s company once my client acquires ownership of the Hamptons Subway. At this writing (of course this is all subject to board approval), it appears that the position of “Commissioner” will be eliminated. However, my client invites Commissioner Aspinall to submit his recipe portfolio for the illustrious position of Sous Chef, as my client fully intends to add elegant dining cars complete with affordable wine service to the Hamptons Subway fleet.

In recognition of Mr. Aspinall’s long years of service and leadership of Hamptons Subway, he will be given top consideration. If Sous Chef is not palatable to Mr. Aspinall, my client hopes that Mr. Aspinall will consider a Senior Attendant position in our pet-friendly car. Dining cars and pet-friendly cars are truly the wave of the future as more residents abandon their automobiles for the safety, comfort and convenience of traveling by tube.

Sincerely,

Aeso Fable, Esq.

Oh dear, in this second letter, Mr. Aspinall is apparently going to be either fired or humiliated or both. I hope he can handle this.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCUS FRIENDLY

Marcus Friendly, our longtime Surveillance Manager, celebrated his 37th birthday in our company cafeteria surrounded by fellow employees who sang “Happy Birthday.” He said he really appreciated it and he has taken the surveillance tape of his party and edited it down to where everybody is singing “Happy Birthday” and posted it on YouTube and Facebook if you want to see and hear yourself sing to him.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I am in receipt of this letter purportedly sent to Hampton Subway informing them of his intention to take over Hamptons Subway. Is this a joke? It is not a joke. I know who these people are because I used to work for the Milwaukee Subway System, which they took over. I can’t tell you their name here. They would sue me. And they do have the so-called goods on me when I did work for Milwaukee. It’s complicated. But I can tell you that after they bought Milwaukee (for a song), they came in and, to bring costs down, completely automated it. You bought tokens from a robot in the token booth, the trains were driven by robot motormen, the flagmen were fired and they computerized the signal flag operation, they computerized the main office there and fired everyone. Finally, there was just one person left, me, and when the robots failed, they fired me and went bankrupt and did a second hostile buyout. Do not trust these people.