Hamptons Police Blotter: Sloppy Tuna, Badonkadonk

There was a lot that took place in the Hamptons this week when it comes to officers busting criminals. One booty squeezer got busted, another wild case of theft took place, and then there’s the Sloppy Tuna. Read on Hamptonites.

Putting on the Squeeze

A man in Montauk thought it would be appropriate to squeeze the booty of a woman while at a local bar. The boyfriend of the woman was there, so needless to say, things did not go well. Police arrived and arrested the squeezer, who sat overnight in jail on his badonkadonk.

Up, Up and Away

Thousands of dollars worth of balloons were reported stolen from a home in Bridgehampton, and the owner told authorities that one balloon was valued at $2,000. Police are following up on various leads, but so far the sources have all been full of hot air.

Reward

A truck in Montauk owned by The Sloppy Tuna was reported vandalized by criminals last week. According to a spokesperson for the restaurant, a person drove up to the vehicle while wearing a hooded sweatshirt and threw paint thinner all over the vehicle. The restaurant is offering up to a $5,000 reward for information that will lead to the arrest and conviction of
the perpetrators.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 102 years old, former welterweight boxing champion for the United States Army, inventor of the 100-pound dumbbell, and current President of the Shelter Island Historical Housing Authority, was arrested last week for assault. During his morning swim around the island, McGumbus noticed a man taking his picture with a cell phone. Aggravated by the act, McGumbus approached the man, 26-year-old Venus Jones of Brooklyn, who is on Shelter Island filming a documentary about his experiences traveling to different coffee shops around the country while eating only organic tomatoes. McGumbus asked Jones why he was filming him, to which the young man replied, “I find you really groovy.”

“GROOVY?! HOW’S THIS FOR GROOVY?”

At which point McGumbus karate kicked Jones in the groin and took his cell phone.

Bamboo

A resident in Noyac called police last week to report that somebody had stolen eight bamboo plants from the rear of her property while she was away on vacation. Sag Harbor resident Earl Panda has been taken into custody.

Utensils Missing

A man in Water Mill reported that $5,000 worth of kitchen utensils had been stolen from his home, including a set of antique spoons and serving sets. Insert “born with a silver spoon in his mouth” joke here.