Hamptons Police Blotter: Van Smash, McGumbus Dog Park

The first week of April in the Hamptons kept the Police Blotter team on its toes.

Armed Robbery

Police are searching for a robber who brandished a handgun at a grocery store in East Hampton and reportedly made off with thousands of dollars.

Broken Traffic Light 

A traffic light in Southampton remained red for more than 20 minutes this past Monday morning as drivers sat in their cars wondering what to do. The issue was resolved when a police officer came on the scene and began directing traffic. None of the drivers were angry. April Fools!

Nobody Under the Influence

Not a single person was arrested in the Hamptons for DWI last week. April Fools redux!

Cry Me a River

An unlicensed driver was arrested on the North Fork after he plowed into the back of a van and then took off, only to be later captured by police. The man driving the van was very unhappy and said that if the bad driver continues living his life like this he’s going to end up as “A MAN LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!”

700 Million 

According to statistics, 700 million sugar-coated marshmallow creatures were eaten to death on Easter Sunday. May they rest in Peeps.

Shelter Island 

Old Man McGumbus—104 years old, current highest-ranked officer for the American Zombie Attack Defense Authority and World War II offensive guard—was arrested after he was spotted running barbed wire around a 100-acre nature preserve on Shelter Island and posting a sign that read “Welcome to the Shelter Island Dog Park and Rifle Range.” He was released on his own recognizance.

I’ll Buy That For a Dollar

A new scam—in which you receive a phone call from a supposed authority in another country stating that a relative of yours is in serious trouble and needs money—has drawn the attention of East End police departments. Police are warning residents that if you receive such a call, don’t wire any money…and instead remind yourself that nobody in your family is on vacation in Ghana at the moment.

Baby, Baby, Baby…No

A man in Southampton allegedly broke a car window after he got into an argument with his friend over what music they should be listening to on the radio. The man punched the window after his friend turned off his favorite Justin Bieber song. Insert your own joke here.