The Hamptons Subway: Week of May 17-23, 2013

Riders this past week: 11,511

Rider miles this past week: 162,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Jennifer Lopez was seen by one of our spotters on the Hampton Subway with her boyfriend, Casper Smart, heading for Water Mill from Bridgehampton on Wednesday, apparently either on her way to enjoy the exhibit at the new Parrish Art Museum or to visit her new $10 million home hideaway in Mecox, brokered to her last week by Susan Breitenbach of The Corcoran Group.

SAND ON THE SPURS

The two subway line spurs that take people to Coopers Beach from Southampton and to Main Beach from East Hampton open next week. Riders are advised that this year big metal barrels are set up at the back of the beach at the tunnel entrances leading to the platforms. Everyone please take off your shoes and shake the sand off into the barrel then put them back on. Riding barefoot on the Hampton Subway is not permitted. But last year’s beach sand on the tracks problem delaying departures must not be repeated, so please cooperate.

HAMPTON METRO?

As a result of a suggestion in a suggestion box on our Hampton Bays platform, Hampton Subway will consider changing its name from Hampton Subway to Hampton Metro, with an umlaut over the “o.” The thinking is it might be more chic in a French sort of way to say “Metro” rather than the more mundane “Subway.” This is the fabulous Hamptons after all, not some dumb place like Detroit. The Hampton Subway board of directors is going to consider this matter at their next meeting. We are not soliciting rider opinion on this, so keep your opinions to yourself.

BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Keep in mind that all day next Thursday, more than 135 local musicians and bands will be auditioning on each of our 12 platforms in the hopes of being selected to play on one of them all summer, where they can set out a hat or guitar case and get a few coins or bucks dropped in from passersby. The competition is expected to be fierce, and the musicians will each have an hour to impress the riders on each platform. The first bands will be out for their hour at 8 a.m. and the last at 7 p.m. The 12 bands that collect the most amount of money—they report their winnings on the honor system—win the spot. Straphangers are urged to enjoy the concerts, vote with your dollars, or if not, bring your own earplugs.

CELEBRITY SPOTTERS WANTED

Young people are invited to try out for the coveted celebrity-spotting jobs on the Hampton Subway this summer. We increase the number of spotters from eight to 17 beginning Memorial Day. Looking for people who are star-struck, like to ride subways and can intern for nothing except the ecstatic joy of spotting a celebrity and reporting it to the Newsletter staff. Wear ordinary clothes to show how you would blend in. Contact our office in Hampton Bays for details.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

As the longtime Commissioner of Hampton Subway, I would like to welcome all our summer people here this weekend with the hearty invitation to spend your money going from place to place on the newly smoothed-out rides on new titanium trackage here at Hampton Subway. Welcome to you all and enjoy Memorial Day Weekend. (NOTE: Apparently, the chief thinks Memorial Day is this weekend, not next, but just drop this stupidness in for his column anyway. –Editor)