Hamptons Police Blotter: $17 Trillion Worth Of Parking Tickets Written Over Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day Weekend
An estimated $17 trillion worth of parking tickets were written over Memorial Day Weekend in the Hamptons after people parked illegally all over the place, looking for things to do indoors while trying to avoid the rain. The potential revenue is enough to pay back the United States national debt, and local government officials will be flying to Washington to speak with Congress about potential future plans. Also over Memorial Day Weekend, an illegal beach bonfire party went awry when it began to downpour, sending several intoxicated partygoers running onto private property in search of some shelter.

Shelter Island
Shelter Island resident Old Man McGumbus—104 years old, former World War II fighter pilot with a military record that includes three tours in Vietnam, Panama, Grenada and Desert Storm, three Purple Hearts and two Silver Stars—has taken 81 piping plovers hostage on Shelter Island and is holding them inside the Shelter Island Prison Museum. McGumbus is demanding that new local laws be written that require all hippies to be deported off the island, effective immediately. At press time, authorities were still working on a counter measure and are conferring with a former inmate of the Shelter Island Prison named John Mason, who was the only man to successfully escape that building, nearly 30 years ago.

Padiddle
A police officer pulled over a man in East Hampton who did not lower his high beams as he passed the officer on the road. Upon closer inspection, the officer then found the man to be under the influence of drugs and arrested him. Shortly after, the officer punched his partner in the arm and said, “Padiddle, no backsies.”

Lousy Driver
A man from Hampton Bays was talking on his cell phone while driving in Southampton Village and accidentally crashed his Jeep Wrangler into a local store. Nobody was injured. Charges are not expected to be filed, but the man was ticketed for talking on his cell phone while driving. Witnesses wondered aloud whether the last thing the man said on his phone before the accident was, “Can you hear me now?”

New Dog Law
In East Hampton Village, a new law makes it illegal to have your dog off of a leash on the beach, for the first 300 feet from a road end or public beach during the times dogs are allowed on the beach (6 p.m. to 9 a.m.). In related news, sales of invisible leashes have skyrocketed.