Shark Week Is Screwing Up My Hamptons Beach Time

This week, the Discovery Channel has been running programming that has nothing to do with anything else except sharks. The entire week is dedicated to it, and it’s appropriately called “Shark Week.”

I’m sort of addicted to watching footage of sharks. It’s just so amazing to watch these unbelievably powerful animals in their own element. It never gets old, and I think it’s why the Discovery Channel sort of milks “Shark Week” for every last dime. As much as I love the footage and the excitement of watching great white sharks chomp through cardboard seal cutouts, one thing I’ve noticed is that for the past week, I’ve been too chicken to go swimming in the ocean.

It’s pretty ridiculous, but it’s true. I’ve been blaming it on the cooler weather, but the reality is that the other day I was at Cooper’s Beach in Southampton on a beach run, and I decided to take a dip in the water, and within about five minutes, I started thinking about great white sharks circling around me, got a little weirded out, and then got the hell out of the ocean.

This week, oddly enough, a big part of my life plan is to avoid getting eaten by a great white shark. I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help it, I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THESE THINGS?