Hamptons Subway Newsletter, Week of May 2–8, 2014

Week of May 2 – 8, 2014
Riders this past week: 10,001
Rider miles this past week: 104,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Betsey Johnson was seen doing a cartwheel on the platform as she got off the subway at East Hampton. She said it was a Cartwheel to Summer.

RIDERSHIP MILESTONE
The number of people using the subway last week was 10,001, which is a milestone. We haven’t had more than 10,000 riders since November 2. And it’s the first time since before the recession of 2008 that we have had our 10,001st passenger. We encountered him on the Quiogue platform where he got off and tried to give him a 50 percent-off coupon on his next ride, but he declined. He also declined to give his name. Then he ran away.

ANNUAL POWER WASH
This is a warning, especially to those people who sued us last year at this time. Next Tuesday night, between 2 and 5 a.m., the entire underground subway system including all the platforms and tunnels will be undergoing a power-washing. Please do not be in the subway tunnels at that time. Also, be aware that the power-washing is done with a cocktail of liquids that include ammonia, Lysol, anti-fungal spray, peanut oil, coconut juice, Clorox, weed killer, DEET, DDT, red dye number 4 and, to smell nice, patchouli. IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO ALL OR ANY OF THESE CHEMICALS, THIS IS YOUR WARNING. DO NOT SUE US. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. TAKE OTHER MODES OF TRANSPORTATION. Continue to do so until the smell dissipates.

SUBWAY RESTAURANT HESITATES
Hamptons Subway has been in conversation with the Subway Restaurant chain about continuing their exclusive contract to provide food and beverage to thirsty and hungry straphangers on our platforms. Their contract expires May 31 and they have not yet told us if they would renew. The problem, it turns out, is that East Hampton Town is considering passing laws to prevent any “chain” restaurants or stores from legally operating in that town and, even below ground, this would be a violation in that town if passed. They asked if we could give them a three-month extension to their existing contract. We are thinking about it. So enjoy those 12-inchers. They may be gone from below ground soon, if we don’t come to terms.

COYOTE
A coyote was seen briefly on the Hampton Bays platform but ran into the tunnel when our guards went to investigate. If you see one again, call us immediately about what to do. We have to determine if this is a breed that is endangered in which case he will need to be fed, petted and coddled, or a breed that bites with a poisonous venom that leads to instant death, which has to be shot on the spot. You can tell which is which because the one kind has a red spot on his forehead and the other does not.

NEW SIGNAGE GOING UP
Many of our customers have told us that the signs above the entrances to all stations suffered peeling paint during this very terrible winter we have just gone through. Almost all have the word “Hampton” on them somewhere. And as a result, some people, confused about what town they are in, have gotten on at the wrong station. We hope to have new signs soon. Until then, we will have employees holding up signs at all the subway entrances saying what they are.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Lots of cleaning, dusting, fixing, polishing and greasing going on at Hamptons Subway this spring, all for you!

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