Heterosexuality Increasingly Frowned Upon on East End

East End locals have expressed concern at the increased presence of heterosexuals this summer season on both the North and South forks. With straight couples being spotted holding hands, going on “dates” and, in some extreme cases, kissing, the Suffolk County Focus on Homonormativity is reportedly planning a town hall meeting to discuss the growing issue.

“We need to curb this problem before it escalates,” says Gahan McQueen, spokesperson for the SCFH. “We want to embrace our heterosexual neighbors, but it’s a touchy subject, and many people have been complaining that they have to talk to their children about procreation before they’re ready.” McQueen initially shrugged off the soft rumbling of complaints from local townsfolk, but when he saw a drunken heterosexual couple making out at an unnamed winery he knew he had to take action. “We all have our carnal needs,” McQueen says with a sigh. “I understand that. Everyone understands that. But we deal with those needs privately, thanks to iPhone apps like Grindr. The heterosexuals don’t have an outlet to express themselves, and they need one, but I don’t think the East End is that outlet.”

McQueen’s statements are echoed by local lesbian activist Michelle “Mitch” Smith, who feels that the SCFH isn’t doing enough or acting aggressively enough. “McQueen, like all the others on that board, are failing to realize that this is already escalating and needs to be taken care of,” she says. “My two children don’t need to see a man and a woman doing ‘that’ on a bench when I’m taking them for an innocent vegan ice cream outing.”

One more-tolerant member of the homosexual community, who wishes to remain anonymous, says, “I don’t hate heteros. I have friends who are hetero. I just don’t know why they feel the need to flaunt it.” Another homosexual man says, “Do they really need to wear mismatched clothes and not tweeze their eyebrows? It just seems like they’re trying to make a statement.”

But there has been some preliminary responses from the small local heterosexual community on the East End. Billy Bob Jones, president and founder of the Long Island Procreation Society (LIPS), thinks the so-called “straight panic” needs to stop.

“I just want to love my girlfriend,” Jones says. “I’m not going around screaming about Adam and Eve, or calling the homosexual community out on their supposed ‘sins.’ I just want to be able to love my partner and live my life in an honest way.” Jones notes that attacking the lifestyles of others is irrational and unfair, especially to those who aren’t trying to hurt anyone or impose their views on innocent passers-by. “Look, it’s not like we’re some extremist church that passive-aggressively attacks entire groups of people with their signs. We respect their rights and beliefs, and all we want in return is that same respect.”

Time and location of the town hall meeting has not been announced. Check events.danspapers.com for updates.