Animal Face-Off: The 66th Artists and Writers Charity Softball Game

Animal Face-Off is television program that first appeared on the Discovery Channel. It centers on hypothetical battles between two animals that could meet in the wild. For example, an episode might feature a Walrus fighting a Polar Bear, a Wolf vs. a Cougar or even a Great White Shark pitted against a Giant Saltwater Crocodile. Replicas of the animals are created and attributes are compared, such as bite strength, muscle strength, etc. At the end of the show, in a virtual arena, a computer-animated fight scene reveals the results.

With this in mind, and with the 66^th Annual Artists and Writers Charity Softball Game right around the corner —to be played at 2 p.m. this Saturday, August 16 (batting practice starts at noon) at Herrick Park in East Hampton—I have taken the liberty of recreating the game, using some of the same formulas pioneered by Animal Face-Off.

Full disclosure: I am a writer (duh), so I may have a very slight, almost imperceptible touch of bias.

The Creative People Face-Off starts with the acknowledgment that Artists have a significant overall weight advantage (most artists don’t exercise). This is further offset by the fact that the Writers are swift on their feet from chasing important stories.

As the game progresses, it is obvious that the verbal battle is being overwhelmingly won by the Writers as they use their quick wit and mastery of words to keep the competition confused. However, the Artists are holding their own due to the fact that their catcher is emitting a strong skunk-like odor (most artists rarely bathe). This keeps the Writers off balance, as they have to cover their noses while batting.

The male Artists are getting hits but are having a difficult time rounding the bases because they are wearing ladies pumps (most male artists are cross-dressers).

In the fifth inning, the Writers gain the lead but the Artists tie the game as one of their own somehow summons super-animal strength after receiving an emergency off-field injection of an unknown substance (most artists are drug users).

A fly ball is hit to left field but one Artist, who is supposed to be alert and ready at his position, is found to be laying down and taking a nap on the field (most artists are very lazy). It is an inside the park homerun and the Writers take the lead.

The Artists eventually regain the lead as the Writers are now being distracted because some of the Artists’ reserve players, who are positioned in front of the bleachers, are trying to sell their paintings to the fans (most artists are starving and desperate).

As we come to the bottom of the final inning, the Artists send in their closer, who has just arrived (artists are not very punctual). Somehow, he manages to get two shallow pop-ups and only one out remains. However, the Writers then proceed to bat around the order and score 6 additional runs.

Creative People/Animal Face-Off  Results: The Writer has proven to be the superior animal in the challenge. The final score – Writers: 10, Artists: 5.

Who do you think will win the 66^th Annual Artist and Writers Charity Softball Game?