Harsh Northeast Winter Diagnosed: Not Enough People Bought Snowblowers

Top weather researchers now say they have discovered the cause of the second consecutive harsh winter in the Northeast, particularly the East End of Long Island, and it’s not climate change.

The frequency of snowstorms and the accompanying record low temperatures that have resulted in inches and, in some cases, feet of snow sticking around for weeks can be blamed on the populace’s failure to buy snowblowers.

“It’s a simple fact: If you buy a snowblower before the winter, it will barely ever snow,” Hamptons Weather Service scientist Biff Freely said Friday. “But if you don’t buy a snowblower, it will certainly snow, and snow often,” he continued.

A new report found that the number of functional snowblowers in sheds and garages across the Northeast has declined rapidly since 2012. “Snowblowers have broken down, and families have declined to replace them with pricey new machines,” Freely said. “The compounded effect of tens of thousands of snowblowers going un-bought has raised Mother Nature’s ire.”

In the winter of 2011-12, Long Island saw just 5.5 inches of snow. Freely credits the mild winter to a spike in snowblower purchases in November 2011, while residents were anticipating a repeat 60-plus-inch winter. The following year, snowblower purchases plummetted, and snowfall totals surged.

Researchers also found correlations between buying health insurance and never getting sick, paying for glass coverage on a vehicle and never having a broken windshield, and purchasing life insurance and never dying.