Hamptons Police Blotter: Celebrity Lookalikes Undercover, Uber Ambulance
High Profiling
The Hamptons Police revealed for the first time this week that they have a secret squad of celebrity lookalikes working undercover across the South Fork. According to Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch, the squad, which was formed over 20 years ago, is deployed “on a continuous basis,” allowing police to integrate seamlessly into “settings where our ordinary undercover officers would be too easily spotted.” While Hirsch would not detail specific assignments, he confirmed that celebrity-lookalike officers in the squad have attended numerous celebrity-studded parties, frequented high-end area restaurants and nightclubs, and even appear at red carpet events, such as film premieres and fashion shows. The exact purpose of the squad remains unclear, and Hirsch refused to disclose if their work has resulted in arrests, whether directly or indirectly. But news of the squad’s existence sent shockwaves across the celebrity-obsessed South Fork, as residents and visitors were forced to reassess the validity of their various celebrity sightings. “For years, I’ve been convinced that Bob Balaban was a member of my gym,” one upset Sag Harborite said. “Now I’m thinking it’s probably just an undercover guy.” Habitués of a local hotspot who thought they had been graced with the presence of Leonardo DiCaprio and his swimsuit model girlfriend Kelly Rohrbach last week were crestfallen. “Now that I think about it, it could have been anyone under that beard,” one disillusioned regular said. “And who even knows what Kelly Rohrbach looks like with her clothes on?” Meanwhile, Hamptons Police are seeking new recruits for the squad. They are especially interested in “P. Diddy and Beyoncé types.”
Ambulance Fraud Suspected
Police are actively seeking a suspect who they allege engaged in a fraudulent use of a local ambulance service. According to reports, the suspect was found in Sag Harbor in what appeared to be an unconscious state, and rescue personnel were called to the scene. When the rescue crew found the suspect unresponsive, they placed him on a gurney and into a waiting ambulance which transported him to a medical facility in Southampton. However, moments after the ambulance reached Southampton and the rescue team began to hand the suspect off to waiting medical personnel, the suspect suddenly jumped up from the gurney and took off at a brisk run. By the time police arrived on the scene, the suspect had vanished. Police believe the suspect was just looking to get a fast, free ride from Sag Harbor to Southampton through weekend traffic. They are appealing to the public for information.
Vetted Hamptons Resources
