Hamptons Police Submarine Unit Makes First Arrest

Just days after announcing their acquisition of a decommissioned U.S. Navy Virginia-class submarine, Jaws VIII, the Hamptons Police Department has already used the military surplus craft to make an arrest.

In a daring mid-afternoon operation, the Hamptons Police Department Submarine Unit (HPDSU) responded to reports of an unruly group aboard a pleasure boat a few miles off the tip of Montauk. The boaters, who had been “blasting loud rap music,” drinking to excess and mooning nearby fishing vessels, were “utterly shocked” when confronted by the massive submarine, police said, noting that they surfaced directly in the boat’s path, making it impossible for the suspects to do anything but stop or crash.

“You should have seen it,” HPDSU Captain Buddy Covaleski said, recounting the arrest. “There’s this little boat loaded with like 20 people, and they basically came to a dead stop and stood there dumbfounded,” he said. “The driver was so stupefied he didn’t even think to put down his beer or toss the marijuana cigarette—or joint—in his hand,” Covaleski continued. “We had them dead to rights.”

The boaters were detained in the sub’s custom brig and booked with a bevy of charges, including boating under the influence, indecent exposure, harassment and possession of various controlled substances—2 grams of cocaine, a half-ounce of marijuana and four different unprescribed pharmaceuticals—along with several boating violations, such as failure to carry required safety equipment, overcrowding, reckless operation and failure to display validation sticker.

“It was terrifying,” the boat’s captain, Clint Bartholomew, said after his arraignment Friday morning. “Everything went dark as this huge, black shape emerged from the depths, and next thing you know, this dude is yelling at us through some kind of loudspeaker and waving his arms so I can see him up in that tower thing,” the captain said, adding, “I have to say, it was pretty cool riding back in that thing, especially being totally baked as I was, but I’ll definitely be following my boating Ps and Qs while that thing is out there.”

HPDSU towed the offending boat back to shore where it was impounded.