Montauk Announces Plans to Retire

At a hastily planned press conference Tuesday, Montauk announced plans to retire at the end of summer.

While Labor Day is often considered the unofficial end of summer on the East End, Montauk will hang up its hat for good on September 22, the eve of the fall equinox.

“I’ve had a good run, and I’d like to go out on a high note,” remarked Montauk, the Long Island hamlet to the east of Hamptons proper. Montauk was once a sleepy fishing village and surfing destination, but in recent years experienced a surge in popularity as a weekend destination for hipsters. Summer 2015 marked the pinnacle of that popularity and was a banner year for the embattled hamlet.

Montauk rode a roller coaster of highs and lows, but eventually prevailed, during a storied career in the fishing industry, the resort entertainment business and, later, getting people “white girl wasted.”

When not working hard at the day job, Montauk also managed to cultivate a rich tapestry of legends and lore, inspiring dozens of conspiracy theories and attracting an international cadre of nutcases to chime in about its many secrets.

“The whole conspiracy thing was very unexpected, but I rolled with it and managed to get a pretty strong internet presence, and even a few books published,” Montauk said, noting that a deal with the U.S. military ended up having long lasting and unforeseen benefits.

Nicknamed “The End” by close friends and, later, people who desperately sought entrée into the hamlet’s inner circle, Montauk has rubbed shoulders with some of the world’s biggest celebrities, including visual artists, actors, musicians, fashion designers, politicians, crooks and Wall Street tycoons. Andy Warhol, Julian Schnabel, Paul Simon, Julianne Moore, Teddy Roosevelt, Bernie Madoff, Ralph Lauren, Cynthia Rowley, The Rolling Stones, Rufus Wainwright, Dick Cavett and Peter Beard, among many others.

The End has also been featured in various films, television programs and books, such as Showtime’s recent hit The Affair, Charlie Kaufman’s Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Suki Kim’s The Interpreter, The Lightning Thief and X-Files, to name just a few. Montauk is also home to the Legion of Super Heroes’ Legion Academy, a training facility for meta-humans in DC Comics.

“It’s been a good run, and I’ll miss the job terribly, but I’m just not feeling up to another summer of beer pong, crowd counting, public urination, parking restrictions, litter and fist bumps,” Montauk said. “E.T. Pancakes, surfcasting and Puff ‘n’ Putt were always more my speed.”

While Montauk’s retirement officially begins later this month, the hamlet has agreed to work one final day in March for the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. “Let’s hope it doesn’t get ugly,” Montauk said.