Coffee Grails: Starbucks Solves Red Cups Controversy

In response to the recent controversy over Starbucks‘ highly offensive plain red holiday cups being devoid of Christmas graphics—as pointed out in a video by internet evangelist Joshua Feuerstein (posted below)—the company went into overdrive this week to produce and distribute new Christian-friendly “coffee grails” at more than 21,000 Starbucks stores worldwide.

“We are grateful to Joshua Feuerstein for showing us the error of our ways,” a spokesman for the penitent company said in a statement Thursday. “These new coffee grails will make sure our Christian guests no longer suffer the wrongheadedness of Starbucks not celebrating their particular religion on our cups,” he continued. “Christians must feel very isolated and ignored during the months of November and December,” the spokesman noted. “I mean, look how many products out there have packaging with nothing about Christmas, Christianity or Jesus—how are they to feel safe and secure duing this troubling time?”

While they have a special “Christmas Blend” coffee available, Starbucks has actually hasn’t printed the words “Merry Christmas” on any cups in recent memory, and they’re still not doing it this year. “But we think everyone can agree our new coffee grails celebrate Jesus Christ and his teachings,” the spokesman said, adding, “Anyone holding this very Christian cup will exemplify Christ’s ideals, such as loving your neighbor, practicing forgiveness and charity, not judging others, not being materialistic or fearful, and, of course, not following false prophets or allowing the blind to lead the blind.”

Coffee grails will be used in all stores, including those in Egypt, Morocco, Azerbaijan, Bahrain, Brunei, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Oman, Cyprus, United Arab Emirates, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, India, Sri Lanka, Thailand, Vietnam, Indonesia and Macau—each of which has small percentage of Christian residents. “We just don’t want to offend anyone,” the Starbucks representative said, “and sending coffee grails Saudi Arabia proves that without question.”

In related news, Starbucks may soon test “Body of Christ” biscuits in select stores.