Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 10–16, 2016

Week of June 10–16, 2016
Riders this past week: 21,888
Rider miles this past week: 145,900

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Mayor Epley of Southampton was seen inspecting a particular subway car at the Southampton Station last Thursday at noon. He checked to see if the sliding doors closed and opened okay. It delayed the train a minute or two.

THE CHASE
Passengers reported that a train on the straightaway between East Hampton and Bridgehampton sped up to nearly 70 miles an hour last Tuesday afternoon at 2 p.m. We of course knew about it. A very important person was on the train in front of the train that sped up and it was necessary to bring that important person a message by hand while in transit. That’s all we can tell you about it.

DELAY
Trains backed up going westbound into Quogue at 4 p.m. on Monday. A bird had alighted on the tracks between Quogue and East Quogue and it took about 20 minutes for an expert to determine that the bird was just a common seagull and not an Albino Flutterer, a bird that closely resembles a seagull but is seriously endangered and may not be injured, killed or frightened. As a result, the motorman on the train pressed ahead slowly, toward the bird, which then took the hint and flew off.

NEW PLATINUM SUBWAY CARDS
For an extra $20, Hamptons Subway now offers a 100-ride platinum subway card. It is available at all token booths. The platinum card allows the customer to get on the subway before the regular cardholders. Just flash it. But remember the platinum card does not allow you to get on before the holders of black subway cards. It just takes precedence over regular subway cards.

PRIVILEGES: PUSHING THE LIMITS
It is still legal to bring food onto Hamptons Subway. It’s been brought to our attention, however, that there is a new high-end takeout service that will serve you a 17-course meal, one course at a time handed to you by a uniformed server at each of the 17 platforms. We think this might be pushing the envelope. We are looking closely at our bylaws.

REMINDER
Unaccompanied dogs may not go under the turnstiles without paying and may not take the subway from one town to another by themselves, even if an approval has been made with a low level subway employee.

LOST ARTICLES
If you leave something on the subway and call in later to say you forgot it, that is too bad. Anything left on Hamptons Subway becomes the property of the first Hamptons Subway employee who happens upon it. That is why Hamptons Subway employees work here. It certainly isn’t the pay, which is very low.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
People have asked me why they don’t see me, the Commissioner, riding the Hamptons Subway. I should be checking up on everything. The reason I don’t ride is that the service is often very poor and, as an important person, I simply must be on time wherever I go, so I go by my company-provided, chauffeur-driven limo.

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