Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 3–9, 2016

Week of June 3 – 9, 2016
Riders this past week: 25,411
Rider miles this past week: 186,712

DOWN IN THE TUBE
The number of people using Hamptons Subway last week shattered all records. Among those riding were Steven Spielberg, Christie Brinkley, Elon Musk, Jerry Seinfeld, Peter Beard, Jon Stewart, Ron Perelman, Itzhak Perlman, Louis CK, and Scarlett Johansson. It was surely a banner week for Hamptons Subway.

FRAUD
On Friday at 4 p.m., persons unknown installed a second turnstile on the platform at the busy Southampton station. It was set up about 10 feet closer to the subway trains so that once you went through one of the eight legal turnstiles you would see this lone second turnstile on the platform that looked just like the others. A woman in a bogus subway uniform stood alongside this second turnstile saying the funds there would be used to feed the Syrian refugees in Turkey but in reality the second swipe led along wires to a device in her purse which diverted all the funds to a private offshore account. People lined up to make this “second swipe” and later that evening, around 10 p.m., this woman picked up this fake turnstile, boarded an eastbound subway train and fled. Anybody who has any information about this please contact Subway headquarters in Hampton Bays.

PAUL MCCARTNEY PERFORMS
On Saturday afternoon, Amagansett resident Paul McCartney came down to the Amagansett station with his guitar and proceeded to play some of his favorites—“Yesterday,” “Eleanor Rigby” etc.—for an hour. It was an impromptu performance on the platform but disrupted the flow of passengers heading to the trains, was done without getting a performer’s license, paying the performer fee and without providing us with a song list in advance for our review. He’s considered by Hamptons Subway to be a fugitive from justice and we intend to catch him.

VANDALISM
On both “spur” lines, leading from Main Street East Hampton and Southampton to the respective beaches, we have courtesy air inflation and deflation tanks for all those bringing inflatables to the sand. Deflate before going down to the subway platform, then inflate as you step off at the beach. At both stations on Tuesday, we discovered that these signs had been swapped with each other so people inflated the inflatables as they got onto the subway trains and then deflated them when they got to the beach. We regret any inconvenience and have since fixed this problem.

TRUMP PROBLEM
As you may know, Donald Trump briefly became the majority stockholder of Hamptons Subway three weeks ago. New stock was issued and he was chased away subsequently, but during his 24 hours in charge he had a rule passed which read “people whose primary language is Muslim will be subject to arrest if they try to use the subway.” The rule was in effect until yesterday when we discovered it and voted to have it rescinded. No one was arrested. Everything has returned to normal.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Hamptons Subway is a privately run operation and is beholden to its stockholders. However, to prevent lightning-like takeovers, I caused to have a law passed yesterday which is called a “poison pill.” If Hamptons Subway is taken over, I’m to be provided a $73 dollar golden parachute payout as I leave. This should discourage unwelcome suitors, I think.

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