Deep Trouble: Hamptons Police Submarine Scuttles Montauk Party Boat

The Hamptons Police Department Submarine Unit (HPDSU) found themselves in deep trouble this week after torpedoing a party boat off Montauk on Sunday. All nine partiers aboard the boat were terribly shaken by the unusually aggressive arrest, but no one was physically harmed. Police said they feared for their safety and scuttled the boat as a part of standard procedure used when officers feel under threat.

According to the report, which is under review from Hamptons PD brass, the HPDSU surfaced some 30 meters from the offending boat after several local fishermen complained the vessel “buzzed” by them at an alarming rate of speed while blasting loud music. Further, the complaint said partiers aboard the craft were nude, brandishing drug paraphernalia and engaging in lewd behavior.

“They scared all the fish away,” one outraged fisherman said, applauding the HPDSU’s “decisive action.”

HPDSU Captain Finn Zorn said he observed a “glint of metal” on deck, leading him to believe the now-destroyed boat may have had weapons on board, so he advised its occupants, to “abandon ship if you want to live.” As the nude partiers dove into the ocean and swam in all directions, Zorn counted down from 10 and then launched a torpedo. Unfortunately for Zorn, the “glint” he describes was actually a cache of vodka bottles. Whoops.

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The commission that awarded the Hamptons Police Department the surplus Virginia Class submarine, as part of a federal program to outfit local police departments with decommissioned military equipment, said they were not aware it still had functional weaponry. “We expected this vehicle to be used for surveillance, maneuvers and surprise arrests, not militaristic attacks,” Hamptons Municipal Board President Barry Glowenstein explained, washing his hands of any responsibility. “I’m not quite sure how Captain Zorn felt threatened in his 377-foot nuclear submarine, so he’ll have to answer for that,” Glowenstein added, shaking his head in disgust.

In his defense, Zorn said he and his crew have been under a tremendous amount of stress this summer, and things finally came to a head. “You’re not out there in the trenches,” the captain said. “My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives,” he continued. “Well, maybe not actual lives, but quality of life—and without quality of life, what do we have?” Zorn asked, adding, “Deep down, you need me in that sub. And I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who enjoys fishing and pleasure boating under the blanket of the very peace, quiet and family friendly atmosphere that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it.”

After police picked up and detained the suspects, they dragged their still smoking boat back shore so it could be processed.

The HPDSU is currently suspended from operation, right before the busiest weekend of the Hamptons summer season, and many are questioning whether the program will be brought back next year. Look for more news following the official inquiry into this matter.